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Forum topic by Bob #2 posted 10-26-2009 09:03 PM 1267 views 0 times favorited 14 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Bob #2

3809 posts in 3488 days


10-26-2009 09:03 PM

Topic tags/keywords: smiles joke levity small talk not religion not politics not woodworking humor

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose (although cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on a public bathroom floor.

SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl Penny Brown who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me..
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your backside, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician ….
Oh, by the way….A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

-- A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner


14 replies so far

View Alonso's profile

Alonso

949 posts in 2705 days


#1 posted 10-26-2009 09:12 PM

Hillarious!!!!

-- The things I make may be for others, but how I make them is for me.

View degoose's profile

degoose

7196 posts in 2822 days


#2 posted 10-26-2009 09:42 PM

I you don’t forward this, your chickens may turn into EMUs and kick you dunny down,

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...

View ellen35's profile

ellen35

2724 posts in 2899 days


#3 posted 10-26-2009 09:49 PM

I’m rolling on the floor and have forwarded it to several friends who need a laugh…and a guilt trip!
Thanks for posting!
Ellen

-- "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Voltaire

View CanadianWoodChuck's profile

CanadianWoodChuck

402 posts in 3380 days


#4 posted 10-27-2009 12:15 AM

Those were great Bob, I hope my bubble doesn’t burst. Bruce

-- Wood Chuck (Bruce) http://3dwoodworkingplans.com

View papadan's profile

papadan

1182 posts in 2835 days


#5 posted 10-27-2009 12:33 AM

Yo Bob, 2 things buddy. 1. Go ahead and drink Coca Cola, it will keep your poop from staining your toilet bowl. 2. Have you ever wondered if the dollar bills in your wallet have ever been in the butt crack of a stripper?

-- Carpenter assembles with hands, Designer builds with brains, Artist creates with heart!

View ChuckV's profile

ChuckV

2881 posts in 2994 days


#6 posted 10-27-2009 12:39 AM

Bob – I can no longer read your posts because laughing can make my stomach hurt!

-- “Big man, pig man, ha ha, charade you are.” ― R. Waters

View cabinetmaster's profile

cabinetmaster

10874 posts in 3025 days


#7 posted 10-27-2009 12:47 AM

ROFLMAO…...................... thanks for the humor…..............................LOL

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

View cstrang's profile

cstrang

1829 posts in 2635 days


#8 posted 10-27-2009 01:36 AM

Hahaha, thanks for that post, I needed a good laugh.

-- A hammer dangling from a wall will bang and sound like work when the wind blows the right way.

View mtnwild's profile

mtnwild

3474 posts in 2994 days


#9 posted 10-27-2009 01:51 AM

OMGoodness, my list just got longer…..................

-- mtnwild (Jack), It's not what you see, it's how you see it.

View Karson's profile

Karson

35035 posts in 3867 days


#10 posted 10-27-2009 02:00 AM

Bob some great truths, some streching ones. The problem is knowing which are which.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia karsonwm@gmail.com †

View Gary's profile

Gary

8968 posts in 2900 days


#11 posted 10-27-2009 02:33 AM

I didn’t know I had a dunny??

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas only 4 miles from the mill

View huff's profile

huff

2828 posts in 2752 days


#12 posted 10-27-2009 03:28 AM

It’s a good thing you don’t have any issues! LOL

-- John @ http://www.thehuffordfurnituregroup.com

View Dusty56's profile

Dusty56

11806 posts in 3155 days


#13 posted 10-27-2009 04:18 PM

You made my morning ! Thanks for the laughs : )

-- I'm absolutely positive that I couldn't be more uncertain!

View Kent Shepherd's profile

Kent Shepherd

2718 posts in 2753 days


#14 posted 10-27-2009 10:52 PM

That’s funny————Thanks

-- http://shepherdtoolandsupply.com/

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