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Kids.!?!?!

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Forum topic by degoose posted 10-13-2009 11:53 PM 1329 views 0 times favorited 11 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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degoose

7196 posts in 2818 days


10-13-2009 11:53 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

NOW IF THIS DIDN’T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...


11 replies so far

View missionworks's profile

missionworks

63 posts in 2696 days


#1 posted 10-14-2009 12:45 AM

Thanks. I needed that.

-- MW | www.MissionWorks.com

View Hix's profile

Hix

161 posts in 2742 days


#2 posted 10-14-2009 12:57 AM

#9…...love it. I want to use it too.

-- ---call me---- Mark

View papadan's profile

papadan

1175 posts in 2832 days


#3 posted 10-14-2009 01:22 AM

#6 is priceless!

-- Carpenter assembles with hands, Designer builds with brains, Artist creates with heart!

View rrdesigns's profile

rrdesigns

526 posts in 2650 days


#4 posted 10-14-2009 02:01 AM

These are great Larry. I’m waiting breathlessly for your encore.

-- Beth, Oklahoma, Rambling Road Designs

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

115202 posts in 3041 days


#5 posted 10-14-2009 02:51 AM

Larry your wild and crazy list crack me up

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View woodworm's profile

woodworm

14164 posts in 3054 days


#6 posted 10-14-2009 03:00 AM

Ha ha ha..
the kids are always being the scapegoats in many jokes.

I remember a joke I read (can’t recall the book, could be RD) While watching combat series, the kid asked his father –
“why people go to war when one can stay at home and watch it on TV?”

-- masrol, kuala lumpur, MY.

View stefang's profile

stefang

15512 posts in 2798 days


#7 posted 10-14-2009 12:18 PM

A good laugh. Thanks Larry.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View lew's profile

lew

11340 posts in 3219 days


#8 posted 10-14-2009 05:15 PM

It’s the first day of kindergarden and the teacher is asking the childrens’ names. The last little girl replies, “my name is Happy Butt”. The teacher is not amused and asks her again. The little girl replies “Happy Butt”. At this point the teacher decides to call the girls’ mother. After a short conversation, the teacher hangs up and says to the girl, “your name is Gladys” to which the little girl replies “Glad Ass- Happy Butt what’s the difference?”

-- Lew- Time traveler. Purveyor of the Universe's finest custom rolling pins.

View scrappy's profile

scrappy

3506 posts in 2894 days


#9 posted 10-15-2009 08:32 AM

Fantaastic collection Larry. Keep them comeing.

Scrappy

-- Scrap Wood's the best...the projects are smaller, and so is the mess!

View robbi's profile

robbi

176 posts in 3419 days


#10 posted 10-15-2009 04:31 PM

True one here….my youngest daughter, when asked what her dad’s name was always replied “Edmond Joseph Landscape Incorporated”....she heard him answer the phone that way so much, she assumed that was his full name.

-- robbi-Yadahooty!

View king's profile

king

71 posts in 3411 days


#11 posted 10-15-2009 05:00 PM

I had agood laugh, thank you.

-- franklinalbert@sbcglobal.net

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