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Forum topic by degoose posted 10-12-2009 01:06 PM 1074 views 0 times favorited 15 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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degoose

7196 posts in 2820 days


10-12-2009 01:06 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
!!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
!!

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
!!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

!!
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

!!

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

!!

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

!!

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

!!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.Can I get a new attorney?
!!
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
!!
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.
!!

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
!!

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
!!

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
!!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
!!

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been practising law somewhere
!!

My favourite too..

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...


15 replies so far

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27251 posts in 3287 days


#1 posted 10-12-2009 01:23 PM

Thanks, Larry. These are pretty good.

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View huff's profile

huff

2828 posts in 2750 days


#2 posted 10-12-2009 02:12 PM

Great timing Larry! The project I’m working on now is for my attorney….......This is going to be hard to keep a straight face. LOL

-- John @ http://www.thehuffordfurnituregroup.com

View degoose's profile

degoose

7196 posts in 2820 days


#3 posted 10-12-2009 02:16 PM

Timing is everything John.. at least Tracey will let you play a little longer on LJs today… LOL

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...

View stefang's profile

stefang

15512 posts in 2799 days


#4 posted 10-12-2009 02:19 PM

Still laughing. Thanks Larry. Hope your attorney isn’t an LJ member.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

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Woodwrecker

3927 posts in 3041 days


#5 posted 10-12-2009 02:46 PM

I deal a lot with trial attorneys, and it is amazing how they can look you straight in the face and ask questions like those above….. Sometimes you can’t help but bust out laughing.

-- Eric, central Florida

View firecaster's profile

firecaster

570 posts in 2884 days


#6 posted 10-12-2009 03:07 PM

These were great!

-- Father of two sons. Both Eagle Scouts.

View Lee A. Jesberger's profile

Lee A. Jesberger

6821 posts in 3445 days


#7 posted 10-12-2009 03:14 PM

Hi Larry;

Very Funny, yet scary at the same time.

Thanks for the laugh.

Lee

-- by Lee A. Jesberger http://www.prowoodworkingtips.com http://www.ezee-feed.com

View Karson's profile

Karson

35035 posts in 3866 days


#8 posted 10-12-2009 03:23 PM

Very good Larry.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia karsonwm@gmail.com †

View manilaboy's profile

manilaboy

177 posts in 3400 days


#9 posted 10-13-2009 01:42 AM

Thanks I needed that! By far this takes the cake…

Rico

-- "Real jocks do it on a bench"

View Julian's profile

Julian

880 posts in 2991 days


#10 posted 10-13-2009 02:15 AM

I wonder if any of those screwball lawyers are now in congress?

-- Julian, Park Forest, IL

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cabinetmaster

10874 posts in 3023 days


#11 posted 10-13-2009 02:27 AM

Thanks for the laugh Larry. Now I got to go see my lawyer sawyer….....LOL

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

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blackcherry

3313 posts in 3288 days


#12 posted 10-13-2009 02:47 AM

Very funny Larry this reminds me of our past president and that when on for eight years…LOL…Blkcherry

View RetiredCoastie's profile

RetiredCoastie

999 posts in 2648 days


#13 posted 10-13-2009 03:07 AM

That was so damn funny. Thanks Larry!

-- www.thepatriotwoodworker.com Proud Supporter of Homes For Our Troops

View rrdesigns's profile

rrdesigns

526 posts in 2651 days


#14 posted 10-13-2009 05:55 AM

lol, made my day.

-- Beth, Oklahoma, Rambling Road Designs

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Innovator

3584 posts in 2879 days


#15 posted 10-13-2009 06:15 AM

Thanks Larry, I needed that!

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

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