Some tool humor

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Forum topic by thelt posted 09-20-2009 02:57 PM 1197 views 0 times favorited 8 replies Add to Favorites Watch
View thelt's profile


657 posts in 2798 days

09-20-2009 02:57 PM

I haven’t seen this on here anywhere, but it may be a repeat. Enjoy.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, ‘Oh sh—‘

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

-- When asked what I did to make life worthwhile in my lifetime....I can respond with a great deal of pride and satisfaction, "I served a career in the United States Navy."

8 replies so far

View GMman's profile


3902 posts in 3116 days

#1 posted 09-20-2009 03:52 PM

All good but I like the last one the best!

View cabinetmaster's profile


10874 posts in 2976 days

#2 posted 09-20-2009 03:55 PM

ROFLMAO. I love this one. Great find.

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

View dreadhead's profile


28 posts in 2785 days

#3 posted 09-20-2009 08:49 PM

Thanks for the post :D it was a much needed laugh

-- - Marco

View Dusty56's profile


11800 posts in 3106 days

#4 posted 09-20-2009 09:43 PM

Thanks for the memories : )

-- I'm absolutely positive that I couldn't be more uncertain!

View SnowyRiver's profile


51452 posts in 2899 days

#5 posted 09-20-2009 11:15 PM

Those are great !

-- Wayne - Plymouth MN

View huff's profile


2828 posts in 2703 days

#6 posted 09-21-2009 04:34 AM

I’ve got everyone of those tools…......usually with the same results. Thanks for the laugh.

-- John @

View Innovator's profile


3584 posts in 2832 days

#7 posted 09-21-2009 04:55 AM

All too true.

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

View woodsmithshop's profile


1250 posts in 2964 days

#8 posted 09-21-2009 05:01 AM

you’ve been looking in my shop window

-- Smitty!!!

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