Mortal fear. I live in mortal fear in my workshop. There. I have admitted it.
My shop is divided into halves. Half of 400 sq feet is woodwork and the other metal work. Another 200 above my head on the metal side gives me storage for the stuff “I know I might need one day” and “unfulfilled part-projects”. Now the metal bench is about 15 drunken steps from the door and the wood bench a lazy straight 5 paces. Guess where the tool or machine I just found goes to when I walk in. Right. This of course is where I picture Mr.G leering and rubbing his hands gleefully. See? I have not discovered an easier way to use bench dogs than with holes that go through the bench. (As I speak I am thinking “Dust tray..dust tray.”) So the tool goes onto the woodbench and gets dismantled and inspected. In the process I have to go over to the metal bench for a spanner or allen key anyway. Why couldn’t I just carry the thing over there in the first place? Then the pieces and parts find comfortable dissaray on the top and invariably find their way to the nearest bench-dog hole. I hear the clink, bang, tick as it lands and that nonsense about having depth-perception and directional sensory acuteness because we have two ears and two eyes, is utter nonsense. I focus on the sound. I drop another part through the same hole to narrow down the potential position of the part in a pile of sawdust I should have cleaned this morning.
Spontaneous combustion from oily rags? You’re joking. The air is blue around me and they wonder why I want to work alone? Smoke coming out of my ears and swearing red murder I scrabble around the floor bumping my head on things I swear I did not see when I went down to look. Why did they make the bloody jointer table so long? Thud! That is my coccyx against the 52 1/2 Record vice jaw. Severe sense of humour loss has set in by now. I am fantasising about a clinical shop with tiles and a cleaning woman and underfloor heating and the thing just gains momentum from thereon in. It degenerates.
Stuff gets lost. I swear I am coldly methodical after the second cup of tea and 5th smoke. I am.
Most important loss to date: When I married my angel, I made both our wedding rings. One with a diamond. Suffice to say we had to buy another diamond. Never found it.
I am going to change my ways. Tomorrow. Cuz I just found a …......