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View Christopher's profile

heartbreaking split with my girl of ten years, help!!!!

by Christopher
posted 1761 days ago


42 replies so far

View JerryL's profile

JerryL

45 posts in 2630 days


#1 posted 1761 days ago

Christopher,

That really sucks. Take Rob’s advise as well as go find some other folks to hang out with for a while. Sitting at home will only make it worse. Find some folks you can tell all about it but also find some new people. I’ve been through a divorce myself and the only thing that will help is time and time passes quicker if your busy.

And whatever you do stay away from dangerous tools unless you can stay focused.

jerry

-- Jerry L.

View Christopher's profile

Christopher

573 posts in 2503 days


#2 posted 1761 days ago

I know I should be around other people now but all I want to do is be alone.

View rwyoung's profile

rwyoung

369 posts in 2054 days


#3 posted 1761 days ago

Coming up on a year since the “end” for me of a 9 year relationship. Still hurts me too. It will get better. And staying busy does seem to help but the demons still creep in late at night. Don’t think that ever stops. Just tell them to stay on their side of the room, and not to drink straight from the milk carton.

At the very least, go be alone with other people around. Seriously, it does help to see (ie with your eyes, not the other way) people doing everyday, other-people things.

-- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

View jussdandy's profile

jussdandy

157 posts in 1790 days


#4 posted 1761 days ago

Christopher, Sorry to hear about your situation, been divorced twice and broke up with a long time girlfriend myself Jerry is giving the only solution I know, just takes time. I did do serious damage to a finger with a router, just as Jerry says, I wasn’t focused, so be careful, let time do its job.

-- Randy I have the right to remain silent, just not the ability ; )

View Christopher's profile

Christopher

573 posts in 2503 days


#5 posted 1761 days ago

OK, I will go be with other people. I know only time can heal the pain, but right now it gets overwhelming. I have lost two of my greatest loves now and I am feeling like there is something about me women don’t like. You know how you question everything about yourself when you go through this stuff.

View kolwdwrkr's profile

kolwdwrkr

2821 posts in 2173 days


#6 posted 1761 days ago

Hit her with a board so this is woodworking related and you’ll have answers out the wazoo. LOL. Nah, when my wife left me I cried for a few months, lost my business, house, etc. What did I learn? Nothing. I learned that if I would have shrugged I’d still have all my shit with less problems. But instead I thought it was the end of the world and curled up in a ball. You have to realize that life is in the now. We live for this very moment. Not the future, not the past. All the energy in the world is focused on this very second. The previous second is over, the next second doesn’t exist. You may not make it to the next second. What exists in the future is a guess, and the past is over. So you have to live for this very moment. Crying doesn’t bring happiness (the most important thing in the world is your own personal happiness above and beyond everything) so you have to do what makes you happiest. And that my friend is woodworking. Build something and give it to a new girl.

-- ~ Inspiring those who inspire me ~

View Christopher's profile

Christopher

573 posts in 2503 days


#7 posted 1761 days ago

Thank you Kolwdwrkr, Socalwood, Jussdandy, Jerry and RWYoung. I knew I would get advice from you guys. I am going to get up tomorrow and do what I know best; woodworking and cleaning house. All I can do is make sure that I am taking care of me and doing what is best for me. I can’t worryt about what she is doing or who she is with. I have to quit thinking about what I am going to miss and try to remember how I was unhappy too. Try to remember how she used to b1tch about everything and how I could never do anything right. Try to remember how I would feel relieved when she would go to work because I knew that I could do what I want without her crabbing about how I am doing it wrong or how she would do it a different way. The fact is I was unhappy too but I would have put up with it for years because I tend to focus on the good and forget about the bad.

View king's profile

king

71 posts in 2530 days


#8 posted 1761 days ago

Been though a messy divorce,Pick your self up and keep on keeping on,when somthing dies somthing else is born.TIME HEALS ALL.

-- franklinalbert@sbcglobal.net

View davidroberts's profile

davidroberts

1001 posts in 2069 days


#9 posted 1761 days ago

I was a young pup and fell in love with and idolized a women I still thing about today, 30 years later. We were engaged but I think the pressure was just to much. It was one of two of the most painful experiences in my life. I felt completely demoralized. How could she love me one day, and kick me to the curb the next. I was out of town at the time and received a dear john letter. It was out of the blue. I think the shock of it all is what debilitates you. For years I dated and compared those women to her. True love is hard to find. Some never really find it. Now is not the time to do anything drastic, but as others have said, you can get through this by taking care of yourself. Draw a line in the sand, write the final chapter of this part of your life and be at peace with yourself. That is the hardest thing to do is to find peace. If you don’t, it will eat your insides out. Peace brother.

-- God is Great, Wood is Good. nuff said.

View Innovator's profile

Innovator

3584 posts in 1996 days


#10 posted 1761 days ago

Christopher, I know the pain can seem unbearable right now but keep something in mind. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle every day.

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

View mmh's profile

mmh

3304 posts in 2305 days


#11 posted 1760 days ago

I’m sorry to hear the relationship is ending, but it’s better to have a bad one end than to live with someone who doesn’t love or appreciate you.

As a female, I’m quite impressed as to how sensitive you guys are. Love, or falling out of love can hurt both sides. Unfortunately one side may get hurt harder than the other.

The advice of doing something for yourself is priceless. Be creative, do something new and different. It doesn’t have to be death defying, just do something new and learn while you do it. (Get into a new exercise routine and stop smoking, you don’t need to let this sabatage your non-smoking efforts; Take a class; Learn a new craft, trade, cook something different; Start a new type of wood working project, go to a gallery or museum or type of entertainment you normaly would not try.) You will start to feel better once you have a sense of adventure in your life and you will enjoy being by yourself rather than sulking and feeling worthless. You are important, and you are worthy of being treated well, so you don’t need to be around someone who doesn’t appreciate you and constantly picks on or nags you.

Being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. Learn to be good to yourself, as this will elevate your self esteem and when you do this, others will see how whole you are and want to be a part of your life. Be careful not to jump into a new relationship head first. Meeting new people is wonderful, but you need to stand on your own two feet before you want to lean on anyone else, the same goes for them too. Your partner should not lean on you and become overwhelming with burden or in need of constant attention. They need to learn to be their own person, so that the two of you can share, learn and love in a healthy way.

Good luck! Do something for yourself and move forward. You’re worth it!

-- "They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." ~ Edgar Allan Poe

View bruc101's profile

bruc101

548 posts in 2125 days


#12 posted 1760 days ago

Christopher
Sorry to hear about this and you’ve been given some good advice. Time heals and it will for you also but you got to keep that mind busy. When I divorced my wife I took some time off for “me” and cleared the fuzzies in my mind. Once I had that done I met a lady in Russia, went to visit her and her young daughter and never looked back. That was 5 years ago and the relationship just gets stronger.
Don’t beat me up in here girls…did not meet her in the internet and and she’s 5 years younger than me…not 20 lol.

bruc

-- Bruce http://plans.sawmillvalley.org http://www.sawmillgirls.com

View GMman's profile

GMman

3902 posts in 2280 days


#13 posted 1760 days ago

Get another one lots of them around,and maybe your better off all alone.

View CharlieM1958's profile

CharlieM1958

15621 posts in 2801 days


#14 posted 1760 days ago

When I was younger, I thought love was some magical thing that happened with the right person, and that if you lost that person you might never find that feeling again. Today, at 50, I can see that love is a decision more than anything else, and that there are are countless “perfect” matches for all of us.

The pain of losing a relationship is very real, and, as others have said, only time will heal that hurt. But you will come out on the other side and find love again in due time. And you will be a better and stronger man for having lived through all this. Trust me on that one.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View Woodwrecker's profile

Woodwrecker

3551 posts in 2158 days


#15 posted 1760 days ago

Lots of good advise from rob, kolwdwrkr, Charlie and others.
Obviously some very cool people who have nothing but your best interests at heart my friend.

I have heard that we are never given a cross bigger then we can bear, so hang in there and take it one day at a time and you’ll come through this OK.

-- Having fun...Eric

View ND2ELK's profile

ND2ELK

13495 posts in 2357 days


#16 posted 1760 days ago

Sorry to hear about your situation. My wife always tells me things happen for a reason. Believe it or not, in time more good comes out of these situation than bad. In my life I was married two other times before and lost my job once. In all cases, God has blessed me in many other ways. Give it to God! Your are a very special person and God loves you” I will pray for you.

God Bless
tom

-- Mc Bridge Cabinets, Iowa

View Abbott's profile

Abbott

2570 posts in 1886 days


#17 posted 1760 days ago

It gets better, much better and fun. Relax and move forward.

-- Ohh mann...pancakes and boobies...I'll bet that's what Heaven is like! ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣

View knotscott's profile

knotscott

5348 posts in 1958 days


#18 posted 1760 days ago

My heart goes out to you. It’s easy for those of us that don’t have an emotional commitment to this situation to advise on what you should be doing, and most are correct, but I know it’s easier said than done.

Good time to trust in the Lord, and accept what you can’t change. Remember the Garth Brooks song where he thanks God for unanswered prayers? He didn’t get the girl he wanted, but ended up with the right girl down the road, and was grateful later on…

Hang in there… do some things you enjoy, and some things that are good for you.

-- Happiness is like wetting your pants...everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth....

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

111999 posts in 2160 days


#19 posted 1760 days ago

Chris
I’m sorry for your loss . I know it’s easier said then done but if you can spend your day finding things to be grateful for and find ways to help others . These things help us live life with less focus on self and lighten our lives. It’s hard to do but as you find the strength to do these things the pain will leave and a new Joy will replace it.

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View Roger Clark aka Rex's profile

Roger Clark aka Rex

6940 posts in 2017 days


#20 posted 1760 days ago

Christopher,
You have been given great advice by your real friends at LJ, and believe me true friends will never let you down.
At a distressing time like this, don’t waste your time trying to analyze and assign blame – usually on yourself, because none of this will change anything. The one thing you need in any relationship is loyalty and you found you didn’t have any coming to you. Do not dwell on it, a relationship without loyalty is not worth having. You must do as other LJ’s have suggested, moving on does not mean you don’t care, but for all your caring you have found it was only one sided.
We are ALWAYS here to help a LJ in their time of need.

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

View GMman's profile

GMman

3902 posts in 2280 days


#21 posted 1760 days ago

You never want to tie down someone that don’t loves you it will never work for you, relax the right will come along.

View woodsmithshop's profile

woodsmithshop

1096 posts in 2128 days


#22 posted 1760 days ago

I don’t remember the song title, or all the words, but it goes something like this, “she told me if I went fishing today , that she would not be there when I got home, ” then, he says, ” I’m goin to miss her” that is the way I had to look at it when my 1st wife left me, and it worked out for the best for me, you cannot mourn over someone that does not truly want you in their lives, and it is better to get it done with sooner rather than later, other wise you both are miserable.

-- Smitty!!!

View kolwdwrkr's profile

kolwdwrkr

2821 posts in 2173 days


#23 posted 1760 days ago

Smitty, That would be Brad Paisleys “I’m gonna miss her”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O3Plt8DyMk

-- ~ Inspiring those who inspire me ~

View jockmike2's profile

jockmike2

10635 posts in 2829 days


#24 posted 1760 days ago

Feelings are Facts. Understand this, we are powerless to change anything in this world but ourselves. You have gotten the best and greatest advice that money can buy. Use it. Don’t abuse yourself. Like mmh said do things for yourself to restore your self esteem. Don’t live in the past. If you know of things that need fixing in yourself, fix them. If you feel depressed to the point of suicide seek counceling at once. It is a medical emergency. Go to any ER. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You sound clinically depressed to me. I think you should seek counciling as soon as possible. It sure wouldn’t hurt.

-- (You just have to please the man in the Mirror) Mike from Michigan -

View littlecope's profile

littlecope

2852 posts in 2085 days


#25 posted 1760 days ago

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Brother!! Live it and Love it!!
If you looked forward to her going to work so you could do your own thing, then it sounds like you were surrendering parts of yourself to try to make it all work, and that there were problems already…
It’s Physics 101, but we’ve all been there! Stayed in relationships that weren’t working or at jobs we didn’t really care for…the rule states that “an object at rest tends to stay at rest, until it is affected by an outside force.” Well, you probably don’t want to here it right now, but she did you a huge favor, one that you’ll laugh about and thank her for… someday…
Something I’ve always found to be very curious in this life of ours is: A) The only thing that is permanent is change (an unarguable truth) and B) that people, the most adaptable and adaptive creatures known, resist change with every fiber of their being!! Where’s the sense in that?!
You’ve been given some excellent advice here by a lot of great people, but you’ve also been given another chance to be who you are! There is a flip side to this, and seriously, I know that it hurts (been there, done that, have the T-shirt) and I’m not trying to be crass, but you are a free man! Embrace it!! Enjoy!!
Don’t waste your life speculating on what-if’s or if-only’s, that way leads to madness and despair. Forward, that’s the direction to face! Life is awaiting… :)

-- Mike in Concord, NH---Unpleasant tasks are simply worthy challenges to improve skills.

View Repairman87's profile

Repairman87

6 posts in 1762 days


#26 posted 1760 days ago

I went through the exact same thing when I got divorced we still lived together for a bit and was miserable. I did what others have all ready suggested and hang out with friends it does help. It does get easier.

Good Luck,
Scott

View woodsmithshop's profile

woodsmithshop

1096 posts in 2128 days


#27 posted 1760 days ago

Kolwdwrkr, thanks,I could not remember the name of the song.
I also liked the one about the fellow who was looking for a woman that was warm , understanding, patient, good looking, and owned a good table saw. Please send a picture of the table saw.

-- Smitty!!!

View woodsmithshop's profile

woodsmithshop

1096 posts in 2128 days


#28 posted 1760 days ago

I hope no one thinks that I am being inconsiderate of Christophers’ feelings here, I am only trying to help him with a little humor to ease the situation.

-- Smitty!!!

View Bob N's profile

Bob N

131 posts in 2510 days


#29 posted 1760 days ago

Go get yourself a dog. In a few days you won’t even remember her name and be so much better off.

View Dan Lyke's profile

Dan Lyke

1464 posts in 2708 days


#30 posted 1760 days ago

Been there, a little over a decade ago.

It hurt like heck while we were going through the process, but in the longer run I think it was very good for me.

And, over a decade later, we still talk occasionally, even though personally we’ve gone very different directions.

I don’t know what to tell you other than noting that if two people can’t find that common ground that’s not necessarily an issue with either one of them: Some people are compatible and some arent. It’s also important to note that people change, and what seemed like wonderful compatibility five or ten years ago sometimes isn’t.

-- Dan Lyke, Petaluma California, http://www.flutterby.net/User:DanLyke

View manta's profile

manta

25 posts in 2608 days


#31 posted 1760 days ago

bob N is correct,,, Remember this if you put your wife(or girlfriend) and your dog in the trunk of your car and keep them there for a few hours, open the trunk and see wich one is happy to see you… (: sorry I am Irish and humor is the best way for us to deal with problem’s, those of us Irish that don’t drink anyway..

View GMman's profile

GMman

3902 posts in 2280 days


#32 posted 1760 days ago

It could be worst you have no kids.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GVr1l7Xbko

View GMman's profile

GMman

3902 posts in 2280 days


#33 posted 1760 days ago

Listen to a few songs and it will help you.
Every time I feel down I listen to music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4W5TgG2vGo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLKDFKRTdlo

View GMman's profile

GMman

3902 posts in 2280 days


#34 posted 1760 days ago

Remember buddy you have lots of friends here on LJ

View Christopher's profile

Christopher

573 posts in 2503 days


#35 posted 1760 days ago

Thank you all for the great advice and encouragement. All I can do is continue to be the best man I can be and take what life gives me. I am feeling a little better today after a good nights sleep but I am seriously not looking forward to work tomorrow where I will have hours to sit and think. I am lacking a choice though, at least about work. We have decided she is going to move out, who knows when. Until then we have to be good to each other as niether one of us want to end up enemies when this is all said and done. I will kepp everyone posted about how I am doing. If I do continue to remain seriously depressed I will seek help, maybe I should do it now. Thank you everyone. Seriously.

View Vicki's profile

Vicki

926 posts in 1927 days


#36 posted 1759 days ago

Hang in there Christopher. You have to ‘GO through it to GET through it’. It is a painful process and I can hear the pain in your words. But there is no escaping it. Just keep reminding yourself that it will get better. Listen to all these stories shared by fellow LJ’s and you can see that. I totally agree with the get out and get busy. I wanted to wallow in my misery too, but that only made it worse. I’ve been through it too and TG it’s kind of like childbirth. I can remember it hurt like hell, but can’t really feel the pain anymore or exactly what it was like. Just like childbirth, I knew I didn’t want to go through it again so now that I have a new relationship (5 yrs in Dec) I cherish I try to learn from past mistakes and not repeat them. “The lessons will be repeated until they are learned”. It would be good to look around at some other groups on the web where you can vent and get all your hurt and anger out. I’ll bet Yahoo has a couple of good ones. If you ever want to ‘talk’ and need an ear I’d be happy to listen. I’m not one of the “older guys”, but I’m and older psych nurse gal. I’ve heard it all as they say. I think it helps to know you’re not alone and that even though she doesn’t care about you or love you like she used to, many others do.
Take Care,
Vicki

-- Vicki on the Eastern Shore of MD

View RKW's profile

RKW

326 posts in 2030 days


#37 posted 1759 days ago

The best way of dealing with such loss in my opinion is to invest yourself and time into something worthwhile. I suffered from heartache many of years ago and after mopeing around for several months i made myself register for some college classes. (would not have done it otherwise). In the end i got over it, earned a degree, and now i am happily married to a great women who just started law school. Eventually you will ask yourself why you even wanted to be with her. Suck it up and move forward. Set goals, achieve goals and have fun in the process. good luck Christopher.

-- RKWoods

View Berg's profile

Berg

116 posts in 1773 days


#38 posted 1759 days ago

Lots of great advice here Christopher so I won’t repeat. I will bring your attention to what my beautiful 3 year old granddaughter said recently. Read my tag line below. It certainly puts in all into perspective for me! Hopefully for you too.
[...and keep your fingers away from power tools ;) ]

-- Pete - "To every thing there is a season Turn! Turn! turn!" [Ecclesiastes and Pete Seeger]

View Abbott's profile

Abbott

2570 posts in 1886 days


#39 posted 1759 days ago

”It’s raining…what a beautiful day to puddle jump”

:)

-- Ohh mann...pancakes and boobies...I'll bet that's what Heaven is like! ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣

View Christopher's profile

Christopher

573 posts in 2503 days


#40 posted 1759 days ago

You all have been so good to me here. Everyday I read these replies I feel a little better for the moment. Today has been tough. I had to work today and that went fine but when I got home she wasn’t here and I was so looking forward to seeing her, if only in passing. My heart hurts so strangely. I mean, I understand we need to move on and neither one of us are very happy, although I am clearly happier than her, it is still tortuous knowing I may never kiss her like I used too or hold her hand and while my thumb absorbs her smooth skin. I am going to go for a long ride on my motorcycle which is always so liberating. Thank you everyone. My heart is broken but you all have helped to staunch the bleeding somewhat. You make my day more tolerable and per your advice I have set up a meeting with a counselor to get some of this poison out of me. I am lucky to have you all.

View cwdance1's profile

cwdance1

1143 posts in 1842 days


#41 posted 1759 days ago

I am by no means an expert but I have been down the road. If the walls seem to close in on you seek help ASAP. I know grown men are supose to be tuff but some times we are just human. Go out with the boys and try and have a good time and as everyone else has said keep busy as best you can. You will have some free time that you need to fill in. I lost my mom, my best friend and got devorced all in one year. Life will not be the same and you have to adjust. Good luck and when the need arises by all means talk to someone.

View jockmike2's profile

jockmike2

10635 posts in 2829 days


#42 posted 1758 days ago

I am so glad you took my advice Christopher, and sought counseling. Even if they suggest an anti-depressant for a while, take the advice. I worked with depressed people for 12 years and like Vicki said, you have to go through it, to get through it. What you are doing is pro-active and probably the smartest thing you could possibly do. I don’t believe in going through something like this alone. It’s just too dangerous. I’ve seen too many lives self destruct over relationships. Good luck with your counselor and remember the Good Lord is always there for you. Or put another way, there are no athiests in foxholes. Mike

-- (You just have to please the man in the Mirror) Mike from Michigan -

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