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The Golden Years

by Dan'um Style
posted 05-28-2009 04:19 AM


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Grumpy

24395 posts in 3998 days


#1 posted 05-28-2009 04:24 AM


On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#2 posted 05-28-2009 04:26 AM



-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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patron

13630 posts in 3488 days


#3 posted 05-28-2009 04:34 AM

thanks for the laughs guys .
a real relax for me after work .

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

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Grumpy

24395 posts in 3998 days


#4 posted 05-28-2009 05:03 AM

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
‘Dr. Jones, at your cervix.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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Lee A. Jesberger

6864 posts in 4127 days


#5 posted 05-28-2009 01:25 PM

I went with my with to her Gynecologist’s office. Of course I stayed in the waiting room.

He followed her out of the exam room to drop off her chart, and greet the next patient.

As we were leaving, he said to my wife, ”nice to see you, again”.

Is it just me, or does he need a different line?

Lee

-- by Lee A. Jesberger http://www.prowoodworkingtips.com http://www.ezee-feed.com

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#6 posted 05-28-2009 01:42 PM



-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View odie's profile

odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#7 posted 05-28-2009 02:44 PM

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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LocalMac

281 posts in 3553 days


#8 posted 05-28-2009 04:39 PM

I heard most gynecologists are forced to retire early due to early onset of tunnel vision.

-- Don't tell her I'm in the shop!

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#9 posted 05-28-2009 07:09 PM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#10 posted 05-29-2009 01:09 AM

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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bowyer

340 posts in 3543 days


#11 posted 05-29-2009 01:40 AM

Viagra

-- If at first you don't succeed...Don't try skydiving

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odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#12 posted 05-29-2009 01:45 AM

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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cabinetmaster

10874 posts in 3705 days


#13 posted 05-29-2009 01:50 AM

ROFLMAO. You characters are hilarious. Odie, Dan and Grumpy. I guess we might have to rename them to Curly, Larry and Moe…........................LOL

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#14 posted 05-29-2009 01:51 AM



-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#15 posted 05-29-2009 01:55 AM

Like this Jerry ?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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cabinetmaster

10874 posts in 3705 days


#16 posted 05-29-2009 02:33 AM

Yeppers Odie…................................ LOL Looks like the newer version though.

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

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Bureaucrat

18340 posts in 3799 days


#17 posted 05-29-2009 04:00 AM

As I was drinking my Citricel the other night I ran my finger around the glass to get the last of it out. I wondered am I doing this because I’ve grown to like this stuff or was it because I wanted to get the maximum impact of the dose. Then I thought both of those options are disgusting. Getting old is not for the feint of heart.

-- Gary D. Stoughton, WI

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Grumpy

24395 posts in 3998 days


#18 posted 05-29-2009 04:05 AM

No offense to my young buddies but I could’nt resist this one.
Photobucket

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#19 posted 05-29-2009 04:06 PM

Thank you Grumpy, that’s the best one I’ve seen. I have to send that to my brother-in-law who supplies me with many.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#20 posted 05-29-2009 08:44 PM



-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#21 posted 05-29-2009 10:07 PM

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#22 posted 05-29-2009 10:08 PM

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

An eighty year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The ninety year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.” “So what’s your problem?” asked the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine.”

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#23 posted 05-30-2009 01:07 AM

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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Grumpy

24395 posts in 3998 days


#24 posted 05-30-2009 03:43 AM

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#25 posted 05-30-2009 03:05 PM

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#26 posted 05-30-2009 08:21 PM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#27 posted 05-31-2009 01:36 AM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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tenontim

2131 posts in 3892 days


#28 posted 05-31-2009 02:55 AM

Joe was celebrating his 90th birthday at the nursing home.
The “boys” at the home decided to chip in and have a call girl come in to entertain him.
She stripped down to her lacy skivvies and sat down on his lap.
“Would you like some super sex?” she asked.
He thought a minute, then asked her
“What kind of soup is it?”

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#29 posted 05-31-2009 03:10 AM



-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#30 posted 05-31-2009 06:15 AM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View odie's profile

odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#31 posted 05-31-2009 03:28 PM

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#32 posted 05-31-2009 05:10 PM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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Grumpy

24395 posts in 3998 days


#33 posted 06-02-2009 04:11 AM

Photobucket

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#34 posted 06-02-2009 04:03 PM

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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Grumpy

24395 posts in 3998 days


#35 posted 06-04-2009 12:39 AM

Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he’s 97 years old… and we haven’t a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


5/ I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

6/ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. ...apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our skulls. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

13/ Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#36 posted 06-04-2009 02:37 AM

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE .

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed Well, you don’t have to worry about them now be cause I’ve just shot them.’ Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three pol ice cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’
George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’

(True Story) I LOVE IT – Don’t mess with old people!!

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#37 posted 06-04-2009 02:39 AM

lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.

‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?’ the widow said.
‘Just look at you – you have no legs!’

The old gentleman smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

‘You don’t have any arms either!’ she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently ‘Are you still good in bed??’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said

‘I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?’

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday…

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#38 posted 06-05-2009 04:43 PM

OK DAN I’ll try one ….

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#39 posted 06-06-2009 01:41 AM

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,’Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr.. Wallace.’My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said,’You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace.’I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that,but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’

(You’ve gotta love this .)

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#40 posted 06-08-2009 10:42 PM

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#41 posted 06-09-2009 01:52 AM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Grumpy's profile

Grumpy

24395 posts in 3998 days


#42 posted 06-09-2009 02:14 AM

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. ‘Amazing!’ he
thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
nonsense!’ So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver’s
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes.

Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me
a reason that I’ve never heard before why you were speeding, I’ll let you go.’
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, ‘Years ago,
my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.’

‘Have a good day, Sir,’ said the policeman.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#43 posted 06-09-2009 04:08 AM

wish I was just a puppy again ….

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View odie's profile

odie

1691 posts in 3987 days


#44 posted 06-09-2009 02:46 PM

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#45 posted 06-10-2009 04:22 AM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#46 posted 06-10-2009 04:33 AM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Grumpy's profile

Grumpy

24395 posts in 3998 days


#47 posted 06-11-2009 03:56 AM

Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand—and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one! thing:< BR>Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long marrie! d couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, ‘It really works!’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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Dan'um Style

14178 posts in 4130 days


#48 posted 06-11-2009 04:37 AM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Gene Howe's profile

Gene Howe

10906 posts in 3576 days


#49 posted 06-11-2009 05:17 AM

-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

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jockmike2

10635 posts in 4394 days


#50 posted 06-11-2009 02:05 PM

This is a stupid idea….. what am I doing here? I don’t even have a joke, oh yea, did you hear about the two pollocks that walked into a resteraunt, their standing there waiting to be seated and a women starts choking in front of them, one looks at the other and said think we autta help, the other guy says yea, so he drops his pants and the other guy starts licking his butt right in front of the choking lady. She was so disgusted she started choking gasping couphing and pop! out shoots the piece of food. The pollock pulls up his pants and says, you know that hind lick manuever really works….. I was told that story by a nurse, I swear.

-- (You just have to please the man in the Mirror) Mike from Michigan -

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