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How about a joke thread?

by derosa
posted 01-05-2012 08:00 AM


1 2 3 4 ... 7 next »
341 replies

341 replies so far

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chrisstef

11455 posts in 1752 days


#1 posted 01-05-2012 05:46 PM

nice troll

-- "there aren’t many hand tools as awe-inspiring as the #8 jointer. I mean, it just reeks of cast iron heft and hubris" - Smitty

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derosa

1557 posts in 1581 days


#2 posted 01-05-2012 06:06 PM

Although those are hilarious, especially if you’re weak minded enough to believe it, I was looking for something more like this

-- --Rev. Russ in NY-- A posse ad esse

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Bertha

12951 posts in 1439 days


#3 posted 01-05-2012 06:07 PM

Man, Cr1’s fast, lol.
Alright,
“A lawyer walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder…”

-- My dad and I built a 65 chev pick up.I killed trannys in that thing for some reason-Hog

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#4 posted 01-05-2012 06:15 PM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Tylden fire station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#5 posted 01-05-2012 06:15 PM

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone
who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear.
What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied,
“Let me put you on hold
while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes,
the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news.
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine;
her blood work just came back normal, and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said,”No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit.”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#6 posted 01-05-2012 06:17 PM

Mother’s Driver’s License –
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

’ Mommy ,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied.
‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says,
‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says,
‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

’ My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend,
‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.
It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks,
‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly,
‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#7 posted 01-05-2012 06:20 PM

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#8 posted 01-05-2012 06:23 PM

It’s the Law!

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

 Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Logical Argument -Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

 Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

 Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#9 posted 01-05-2012 06:35 PM

Three Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard – a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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bunkie

411 posts in 1893 days


#10 posted 01-05-2012 06:47 PM

A robot walks into a bar and asks for a screwdriver…

-- Altruism is, ultimately, self-serving

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fussy

980 posts in 1796 days


#11 posted 01-06-2012 05:40 AM

One day Southern Baptist preacher is driving down the road when he came upon a rattle-trap pickup truck. He stayed a safe distance behind and dropped further back when the truck commenced to weaving back and forth across the yellow line. Not being too quick to prejudge any dear soul, he said to himself,”The poor soul in that truck must be ill.” Then he thought, “I’d better nail the gas and get around this drunk before he runs me off the road.” He did, and passed the truck, and at a good clip went flying down the road. Until he hit a slick spot and flipped over thrice. (That’s preacher talk for three times). The drunk came upon him a few minutes later, stopped and looked the scene over before staggering to the wreck. (he made it to the wreck in good shape because the Lord was watching him. That’s why some people think it’s Godly to drink.) The preacher’s car was on it’s left side, so the drunk climbed up and opened the other door and called down into the car, “Preacher, you allright?” A sonorous voice replied, “Yes son, I’m allright. The Lord’s riding with me!” “well, preacher, you better let the Lord ride with me before you kill him!”

Steve

-- Steve in KY. 44 years so far with my lovely bride. Think I'll keep her.

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GMman

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#12 posted 01-06-2012 03:11 PM

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DrDirt

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#13 posted 01-06-2012 04:33 PM

For our rural friends:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies,”There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”

Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?!”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#14 posted 01-06-2012 04:36 PM

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and
goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says
“Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.
I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says “one.”

The boss says
“Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was
the sale for?”

The kid says, ”$101,237.65.”

The boss says
”$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
said, Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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GMman

3902 posts in 2443 days


#15 posted 01-06-2012 04:46 PM

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DrDirt

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#16 posted 01-06-2012 04:56 PM

Uh Oh – - its and IN Bred Cat!

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#17 posted 01-06-2012 04:59 PM

NOW…. Where is that Aflac Duck??

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#18 posted 01-06-2012 05:03 PM

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me.” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”
Gotta love military time!

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#19 posted 01-06-2012 05:24 PM

The ending is best – - he really gets rolling fast

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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NBeener

4806 posts in 1920 days


#20 posted 01-06-2012 05:44 PM

Pathological.

-- -- Neil

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skeemer

94 posts in 1110 days


#21 posted 01-06-2012 06:05 PM

I really enjoyed all the anti-Obama stuff, since I couldn’t find that in every other thread you post in.

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DS

2132 posts in 1166 days


#22 posted 01-06-2012 06:18 PM

One old guy says to another, “I think my wife is dead.”
“You THINK she’s dead?”, the other asks, “What makes you think that?”
“Well, the sex is about the same, but, the dishes are piling up.”

-- "Hard work is not defined by the difficulty of the task as much as a person's desire to perform it.", DS251

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#23 posted 01-06-2012 06:27 PM

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you have been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a
Youngster, too. He is lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I will send you both to the electric chair.’

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#24 posted 01-06-2012 06:33 PM


Looks like the cat is going swimming today!

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

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#25 posted 01-06-2012 06:36 PM

math Test

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#26 posted 01-06-2012 06:40 PM

FOR BALANCE

Thelma arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load
of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Bubba had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex’.

The night went very well. The next day, Thelma told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Bubba even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.. I really enjoyed the evening.’

‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.

‘Oh, that…..... Bubba was too tired.’

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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Brad_Nailor

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#27 posted 01-06-2012 06:58 PM

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Brad_Nailor

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#28 posted 01-06-2012 07:00 PM

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Brad_Nailor

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#29 posted 01-06-2012 07:02 PM

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Brad_Nailor

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#30 posted 01-06-2012 07:18 PM

dIRT..i LOVE THE IN BREAD CAT..lol

-- http://www.facebook.com/pages/DSO-Designs/297237806954248

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Brad_Nailor

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#31 posted 01-06-2012 07:25 PM

skeemer said:

I really enjoyed all the anti-Obama stuff, since I couldn’t find that in every other thread you post in.

He’s a one trick pony, obsessed with racial hatred, backed by unfounded facts,on a mission to spread his poison on everything..

-- http://www.facebook.com/pages/DSO-Designs/297237806954248

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Brad_Nailor

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#32 posted 01-06-2012 07:30 PM

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Brad_Nailor

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#33 posted 01-06-2012 07:32 PM

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Brad_Nailor

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#34 posted 01-06-2012 07:33 PM

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Brad_Nailor

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#35 posted 01-06-2012 07:35 PM

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DrDirt

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#36 posted 01-06-2012 07:36 PM

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#37 posted 01-06-2012 07:37 PM

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#38 posted 01-06-2012 07:39 PM

Can’t email something crashed my computer

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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Brad_Nailor

2532 posts in 2703 days


#39 posted 01-06-2012 07:41 PM

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Brad_Nailor

2532 posts in 2703 days


#40 posted 01-06-2012 07:42 PM

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Brad_Nailor

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#41 posted 01-06-2012 07:44 PM

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CharlieM1958

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#42 posted 01-06-2012 07:44 PM

The economy has gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#43 posted 01-06-2012 07:48 PM

OLDER THAN DIRT

‘Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?’

‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’ I informed him. ‘All the food was slow.’

‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’

‘It was a place called ‘at home,’’ I explained. ‘Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it’.

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck . Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone’s lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger .

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called ‘pizza pie.’ When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It’s still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn’t have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather’s Ford. He called it a ‘machine.’

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#44 posted 01-06-2012 07:49 PM

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#45 posted 01-06-2012 07:52 PM

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, ‘I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?’

Angelina Jolie agreed. ‘I’m told I’m the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.’

Brad Pitt said, ‘I’m pretty sure I’m the sexiest man alive but I’ve never had it confirmed.’

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking ‘Magic Mirror’ to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. ‘Well, it’s true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.”

Angelina perked up and said: ‘And I know for sure that I’m the most gorgeous woman alive.’

But Brad Pitt lifted his tear stained face and said…..

’Who the hell is Dr. Dirt ???

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#46 posted 01-06-2012 07:59 PM

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2488 days


#47 posted 01-06-2012 08:02 PM

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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ChuckV

2473 posts in 2273 days


#48 posted 01-06-2012 08:03 PM

Some interesting statistics:

-- “While the world with closed eyes sleeps, The sky knows and weeps - steel rain. ” ― Nathan Bell

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Brad_Nailor

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#49 posted 01-06-2012 08:07 PM

one of my favorites..
What do you call 10,00 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A damn good start..

-- http://www.facebook.com/pages/DSO-Designs/297237806954248

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DrDirt

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#50 posted 01-06-2012 08:17 PM

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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