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take a break, its saturday !

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2K views 15 replies 15 participants last post by  SteveKorz 
#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you that lying dog told you I was speeding, too!"
 
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#4 ·
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat,
while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads and collecting bonuses.

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.

----------------------------------------

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#5 · (Edited by Moderator)
Sounds a lot like most companies these days. It is why I will retire sooner than later. And it is very true, I was the software architect for Toyota for two years at IBM…(3 years ago), they do seem to have a clue. I now work as the world wide support manager for GMs messaging systems (IBM still). Wow, could I tell you stories. Lets leave it as Bob said above "IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY."
 
#13 ·
It's still early Steve and there's always tomorrow. My buddy is a cop and some the stuff he sees is nothing short of incredible. I convinced that most criminals are nowhere near as bright as the man in this joke!
Nice work Mr. T!
 
#14 · (Edited by Moderator)
Lena and Olie lived in the far northern reaches of Minnesota where snow fell heavily every winter. The small town they lived in doggedly plowed the streets on the nights of heavy snowfall. They would announce on the local radio which side of the street residents should park on each night to facilitate the plowing.

One night after a heavy snow Olie and Lena were listening to the radio when the announcer said "Tonight park on the north side of the street to allow the snowplows to get the south side." Lena complied.

The next snowfall the announcer said "Park on the south side of the street to allow the plows to get through." Again Lena dutifully complied.

A week later it once again snowed heavily and Olie and Lena were listening to the radio when the announcer came on to say "Tonite park on the….." The radio suddenly died.

Lena gasped "Oh Lordie Olie…I don't know which side of the street to park on!!"

Olie thought for a moment and replied "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time Lena"
 
#15 ·
chuckles chuckles everywhere!!

Bob - reminds me of Moore's "documentary" on the corporation where he's basically telling people to stop buying from the big companies and who funds the film? The big companies so they can profit from the money-maker…

Dadoo: many years ago the local "druggie" (nice guy, now deceased) told the story of road trips that he and his friends would take in his Winnebago. One day as they were playing cards someone realized that no one was driving. (No accident occurred thank goodness).
 
#16 ·
MsDebbieP- LOL!... I had two unique accidents I handled on I-70 a couple years apart…
- #One was a driver that put his RV on cruise control and then went in the back to make a sandwich… he actually thought the RV would drive itself. Totaled his RV, but he was ok.
- #Two was a personal car that had a driver and a passenger. The driver actually told me, " that we were drinking beer and smoking cannabis going down the interstate. I got tired (this is the driver talking still) and decided to put the cruise control on and let my buddy steer so I could take a nap. I woke up and we were hitting things!"... LOL… He actually passed out in the drivers seat after turning on the cruise, and let his buddy steer the car… (he banged up his car pretty good, but no one got hurt too bad, thank goodness)
 
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