� Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
� Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
� The last thing I want to do is hurt you; But it’s still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
� If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
� War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
� The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
� Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
� To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
� A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
� How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
� Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
� Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
� Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
� I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
� Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
� Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
� Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
� Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
� Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
� I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
� There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
� I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
� When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
� You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
� Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
� A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are trying to catch one as when you are in it.
� If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
� Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine