Tools for Those Non-Lumberjocks (and maybe some LJ's)

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Blog entry by longgone posted 01-26-2010 07:45 PM 1426 reads 1 time favorited 7 comments Add to Favorites Watch

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, ‘Oh sh—’

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various
flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper..

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that $16.00 clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

…….And voted the most popular….

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. The
tool, once thrown, is always the one you need within the next two
steps of assembly or disassembly, and exactly half the time you can’t
find where it bounced.

7 comments so far

View David Craig's profile

David Craig

2136 posts in 2528 days

#1 posted 01-26-2010 07:54 PM

Very funny. You forgot

Pneumatic Brad Nailer – Used to nail boards required for assembly to your leg so you will not lose them…

Thanks for the chuckle….


-- There is little that is simple when it comes to making a simple box.

View jpw1995's profile


376 posts in 3718 days

#2 posted 01-26-2010 08:01 PM

That’s ridiculous…. who buys vinyl records???

-- JP, Louisville, KY

View PG_Zac's profile


366 posts in 2808 days

#3 posted 01-26-2010 08:03 PM

Thanks Greg.

I chuckled out loud causing a few quizzical looks in our home office.

-- I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

View SNSpencer's profile


133 posts in 2533 days

#4 posted 01-26-2010 08:16 PM

What about that Orbital Sander: Tool used to undo hours of fine sanding work when you set it on the workpiece to finish up, not knowing that your son flipped the power switch to the on position while you were away. Then you plug it in only to have it dance all over the surface of your workpiece.

-- Jef Spencer - Refined Pallet -

View Karson's profile


35032 posts in 3820 days

#5 posted 02-12-2010 03:38 AM

A great set of definitions.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia †

View a1Jim's profile


115172 posts in 2997 days

#6 posted 02-12-2010 08:48 AM

Fun stuff

-- Custom furniture

View unisaw2's profile


207 posts in 2455 days

#7 posted 02-18-2010 01:02 AM

Very Funny!

-- JJ - Northern Illinois

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