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Blog entry by kiefer posted 09-12-2013 12:30 AM 1616 reads 1 time favorited 10 comments Add to Favorites Watch

A friend sent me this and I thought I share this .

Are you familiar with these tools?

TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM

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SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

image002.jpg

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

image003.jpg

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’.

image004.jpg

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

image005.jpg

Channel Locks:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

image006.jpg

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

image007.jpg

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

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OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

image009.jpg

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Very effective for digit removal !!

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HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

image011.jpg

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

image012.jpg

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

image013.jpg

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

image014.jpg

COMMON SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

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PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

image016.jpg

PVC PIPE CUTTER:

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

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HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

image018.jpg

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

AND THEN THE ……

SON OF A B…... TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a b….’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need to do the job.

-- Kiefer 松



10 comments so far

View NormG's profile

NormG

4164 posts in 1655 days


#1 posted 09-12-2013 12:40 AM

Very true

-- Norman

View ever4ward's profile

ever4ward

17 posts in 405 days


#2 posted 09-12-2013 01:25 AM

I never did find that son of a b*tch chalk line.

-- can you make anything from those shavings?

View Sawdustmaker115's profile

Sawdustmaker115

264 posts in 372 days


#3 posted 09-12-2013 03:14 AM

LOVE THESE!!!! made me laugh out loud
i’m printing this post thanks for sharing man it’s great!!!!!

-- Anthony--http://knottywoodshop.weebly.com/

View stefang's profile

stefang

13017 posts in 1985 days


#4 posted 09-12-2013 08:22 AM

Well Kiefer after reading this I now realize that I have been using most of my tools the wrong way except for a sharp chisel that I used perform some instant surgery on my ankle with. Thanks for the laugh.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View spud72's profile

spud72

309 posts in 2145 days


#5 posted 09-12-2013 10:59 AM

Interesting. I can relate to this

-- Guy,PEI

View johnstoneb's profile

johnstoneb

683 posts in 823 days


#6 posted 09-12-2013 03:42 PM

How True! Funny

-- Bruce, Boise, ID

View helluvawreck's profile

helluvawreck

15761 posts in 1517 days


#7 posted 09-12-2013 03:53 PM

These are funny and I enjoyed your post. Thanks.

helluvawreck aka Charles
http://woodworkingexpo.wordpress.com

-- If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. Henry David Thoreau

View mafe's profile

mafe

9509 posts in 1740 days


#8 posted 09-17-2013 05:28 PM

I see no pictures… is it my browser?

-- Mad F, the fanatical rhykenologist and vintage architect. Democraticwoodworking.

View kiefer's profile

kiefer

3062 posts in 1318 days


#9 posted 09-18-2013 11:57 AM

No ,the pics did not lode from the email .

-- Kiefer 松

View TheWoodenOyster's profile

TheWoodenOyster

853 posts in 586 days


#10 posted 10-05-2013 02:50 PM

Hit the nail on the head. Or rather, hit your thumb on the head.

-- The Wood Is Your Oyster

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