STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
For all you writers:
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across
the country. Here are last year’s winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking
at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p. m. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p. m. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River .
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.
-- Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com
22 comments so far
Greg3G
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641 posts in 570 days
posted 277 days ago
Priceless….very funny….I’ll stop here, I don’t want to create any more of these myself.
-- Greg - Charles Town, WV
rikkor
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7632 posts in 359 days
posted 277 days ago
There are extremely funny.
-- Maplewood, MN
Allison
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323 posts in 283 days
posted 277 days ago
I found myself laughing out-loud at # 16! # 22 did the same, The kind of unexpected laugh that makes you look around to see if anyone is watching you, like when you are riding your bicycle and something catches your eye and you run right into a telephone pole!
-- Allison, Northeastern Ca. Remember, Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic!
Tomcat1066
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556 posts in 281 days
posted 277 days ago
That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. A couple of them could have been pretty clever in the right context. I just hope they actually HAD the right context ;)
-- "Give me your poor tools, your tired steel, your huddled masses of rust." Yep, I ripped off the Statue of Liberty. That's how I roll!
Thos. Angle
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3236 posts in 447 days
posted 277 days ago
Giggle, Giggle
-- Thos. Angle, Owyhee Design, Oregon
RobS
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1107 posts in 791 days
posted 277 days ago
I like #6, a lot. And 14, the author must have just come from math class… LOL.
And 20, ha..
-- Rob (A) Waxahachie,TX
lance
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147 posts in 473 days
posted 277 days ago
I’m not touching this with a 10 foot pole.
-- Bob Lance, DE
airfieldman
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72 posts in 295 days
posted 277 days ago
Maggots leaping from hot grease? I don’t think I want to eat at that persons house.
-- Do what you love, the money will follow --Marsha Sinetar
Critterman
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481 posts in 295 days
posted 277 days ago
Classic, absolutely Classic…LMAO
-- Jim Hallada, Chesterfield, VA
GaryK
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8486 posts in 473 days
posted 277 days ago
#24 – I hope it never comes to that!
Great post Karson!
-- Gary, East TX -- The longest journey begins with a single step.
scottb
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2942 posts in 812 days
posted 277 days ago
great – thanks for the laugh. I’m crying…
-- I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it. - Vincent Van Gogh -- http://snbcreative.wordpress.com/
CharlieM1958
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4192 posts in 703 days
posted 277 days ago
Thanks, Karson, Best laugh I’ve had in a while. But I think there are a lot of frustrated writers among us, so I think we should come up with some of our own.
The scent of her perfume as his lips lightly brushed her neck aroused his most primal urges, much like the smell of 8/4 walnut being ripped with a dull blade against a misaligned fence.
-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"
Lee A. Jesberger
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2758 posts in 464 days
posted 277 days ago
Hey Karson;
You sure these weren’t from the rocket science class.
Very Funny, until you realize in our golden years, these minds will be in charge.
Lee
-- by Lee A. Jesberger http://www.prowoodworkingtips.com http://www.ezee-feed.com
CharlieM1958
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4192 posts in 703 days
posted 277 days ago
Her bitter insults sliced thtough him like a Whiteside bit through basswood.
-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"
Karson
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12901 posts in 885 days
posted 277 days ago
Allison: Your comment reminded me about an incident when I was working for the telephone company in St. Louis
There was a young lady who worked as an operator and prior to this job she was a waitress at the Playboy Mansion in St. Louis. She was a very healthy young lady. When she walked outside, in the winter time her coat was always open wide.
It was fun to walk behind her about 1/4 block away and watch the reaction of other people. I’ve seen a man turn around and walk right smack dab into a telephone pole.
-- Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com
Karson
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12901 posts in 885 days
posted 277 days ago
CharlieM # 26 and # 27
#28 The tone of her voice ripped through his ear like a router cutting stile and rails for a cabinet.
-- Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com
CharlieM1958
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4192 posts in 703 days
posted 276 days ago
#29) The opera singer’s lilting soprano voice reminded me of the time daddy took a table saw kickback below the belt.
-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"
airfieldman
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72 posts in 295 days
posted 276 days ago
#30) He went to kiss her, like he was drinking from a water fountain that didn’t have enough pressure #31) The Marine’s handshake was a firm as a school boy who got into his dad’s Viagra
-- Do what you love, the money will follow --Marsha Sinetar
Karson
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12901 posts in 885 days
posted 276 days ago
Too funny, Too funny. You guys are great.
-- Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com
MsDebbieP
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11923 posts in 645 days
posted 276 days ago
hahaa hilarious.
some of these are quite brilliant actually, even though they come across as just hilarious.
My favourite is #11.
-- "Functional WoodArt" by Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)
Mario
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714 posts in 536 days
posted 276 days ago
Thank you all for the laugh this morning
-- Hope Never fails
Karson
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12901 posts in 885 days
posted 276 days ago
#31 The CSI peered over her body like a LumberJock would aligning up a cut on the tablesaw.
-- Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com