Inspired by Charles Dearing:)
I grew up in Nieuwegein, afraid nobody here’s able to pronounce that. Which sits right below Utrecht.
Utrecht is about 40 km from Amsterdam. I have 1 sister who now lives with her boyfriend.
I am much closer to my mother then my father, who have bin divorced since 2003.
We lived in a nice neighbourhood back then. a beautifull house and big garden, with all my friends very nearby.
My father wasn’t able to keep his job as a teacher due to a burnout/ mental fatique. My mother works at a hospital. My Mother and father never got along nicely there was always a form of tension.
He went sort of crazy not having a job or goal anymore, and his drinking problems got worse. At the time around 2002, i was in my second year graphic design. I started developing strain problems from the combination of to much drawing and sort of hypertension regarding the situation at home. I have always been a silent type and easily hurt. Since i was 15 i started experiencing severe anxiety, and whilst i was in closed spaces with more people i got heavy panic attacks. I got medication when i was 17 ,and thankfully the panic left me for a big part. Around 2003 i began to run far behind on my study and decided to quit. At the same time my mother realised it was more then enough having a psychopath around, who was drinking more wine then i ever would drink in my whole life. We moved my mother,sister and me. For a few years then i wandered around, not knowing what to do with my life..
In 2006 i had a dull repetitive job. The biggest part of my anxiety/depression surfaced again, so i asked my doctor if i could go on ant-depressants again. She said sure! i started (on doc’s advise) without graduately increasing the dose. Started having beautiful dreams. After around 2 weeks i got home from my dull job, and never felt so terrible. I was inside but i saw dark clouds hanging above me, and a feeling if it were the 21st december of 2012. So i decided to lay down. I was obsessed with certain thoughts, and i heard words repeat themselves 1000’s of times without being able to stop it. Not only i was going psychotic, i also constantly had to throw up. I looked and fellt if i had bin dragged out of the gutter. I got anti-psychotics medication and managed to retain myself. It took about a year to somewhat recover. During that time my mother took care of me. She also signed me up for joinery school. I went psycotic in dec 2006, and i was just able to join the study in september 2007. It’s eventually the best choiche in my life so far. I’m extremely glad i now have a diploma, something i thought to be inpossible at the time when you don’t see any sunshine or light at the tunnel anymore. After alot of trying different meds, i know feel pretty ok.
I don’t have any contact with my father since they divorced. Mainly because he doesn’t let hear anything.
And i feel like he tried to ruin our lifes. Just like Charles told in his story, i often too feel extremely lonely and desolate. I feel comfortable at this site, thats why i felt to let Charles and maybe other lumberjockers know my story. Thanks :)
-- -Thomas -