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Crazy Stuff Stumpy Thinks About #32: Powermatic Snubs Stumpy Nubs... (I love titles that rhyme!)

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Blog entry by StumpyNubs posted 554 days ago 1685 reads 0 times favorited 17 comments Add to Favorites Watch
« Part 31: One man's junk mail is another man's bathroom reading material! Part 32 of Crazy Stuff Stumpy Thinks About series Part 33: Look out evil- there's a guy running around with a measuring tape! »

So, a while back I got an email asking me to submit a paragraph or two to Powermatic for their Facebook contest. They were going to give away a mortising machine to the best story about what you would do with one. Now, I already have two power mortisers (a Harbor Freight and a Craftsman), but I’m not one to turn down free tools! So I wrote something up. Bottom line is, I didn’t win. They gave mortisers to three people with heart rending stories that deserved them a lot more than I did. But I thought it was fun anyway, and now that the contest is over I thought I’d share my entry and see if you would have voted for it… or just laughed…

After you read it, visit Stumpynubs.com for more woodworking goodness!

(Friend us on facebook, follow us on Twitter, and visit the Stumpy Store to help support the show!)

If I had a Powermatic PM701 mortiser? Hmmmmm…

The first thing I’d do is put on my best jacket, you know, the corduroy one with the leather elbow patches. That and a pair of those aviator sunglasses is all it’ll take to get me spiffed up like Tommy Mac and ready to hit the town. I’d go to all the best joints, the night clubs and watering holes where woodworkers hang out. I’d walk up in there like a playa’, high fiving and giving those “point n’ wink” moves to random people in the crowd so everyone can see that I’m a guy who knows other guys. I wouldn’t order any drinks, because I want a clear head when I whip my new mortiser out of my backpack and start drilling square holes right into the top of the bar. The bartender doesn’t care because it’s my trademark move and all the ladies are crowding in just to see me work. Everyone’s waving their arms in the air like they just don’t care when I leave because I can’t stay long, there’s a party going on at the lumberyard and I’m the bell of the ball.

It’s nothing but guys in Roy Underhill suspenders and girls with tool belts who swoon when I step up to the nearest woodpile and fire that baby up. I added dual exhaust pipes and a sticker that says “No Fear”. The pipes don’t connect to anything; they’re just there to make me look like an outlaw on a Harley and dudes move aside when they see me come. Walnut, maple, basswood, it doesn’t matter because not a tenon in the place will go home without a mortise tonight!

A hush falls over the crowd as in walks Christopher Schwartz, his hair carefully parted to the side and a bandoleer full of chisels across his chest. He challenges me, but I’m not afraid because I have the power of Powermatic. Without a word we both tear into a stack of 2X4s because we’re woodworking titans who live on the edge. Mortises of every shape and size riddle the grain like pimples on a thirteen-year-old’s face as flames shoot from the steel and the chips rise knee-deep on the floor. It’s no holds barred, do or die, money for nothin’ and chicks for free. Chris wipes the sweat from his eyes with a foam paint brush but I show no sign of fatigue. My suped up mortising hot-rod hums to the tune of The Devil Went Down to Georgia and I’m laughing like a maniac as I cut more holes than anyone’s ever dared to imagine possible.

Then it ends when every woodworker in the joint drops to a knee and presents me with their best chisels like generals surrendering their swords. I am crowned the handsomest, most manly mortising king of all woodworking kind and at that moment, for the first time in my life I feel truly, completely ALIVE!

…that or I’d make some Morris chairs. Those chairs have a lot of mortises in them.

-- It's the best woodworking show since the invention of wood... New episodes at: http://www.stumpynubs.com



17 comments so far

View Kreegan's profile

Kreegan

1452 posts in 745 days


#1 posted 554 days ago

That last line is why you didn’t win. ;-)

View StumpyNubs's profile

StumpyNubs

6116 posts in 1399 days


#2 posted 554 days ago

Do you mean “…that or I’d make some Morris chairs. Those chairs have a lot of mortises in them.” ?

-- It's the best woodworking show since the invention of wood... New episodes at: http://www.stumpynubs.com

View boxcarmarty's profile

boxcarmarty

8972 posts in 958 days


#3 posted 554 days ago

Stumpy, I understand that Brad Paisley was one of the winners of the Powermatic PM701 mortiser. He’s 5’3 and overweight, and has one of those on-line fantasy’s too…..

-- My mind is like lighting, one brilliant flash, then its gone.....

View DIYaholic's profile

DIYaholic

12912 posts in 1273 days


#4 posted 554 days ago

It’s the waredrobe! I told ya to upgrade your waredrobe. But NOOOOO!!!

Will they ever LISTEN?!?

-- Randy-- I may not be good...but I am slow! If good things come to those who wait.... Why is procratination a bad thing?

View jap's profile

jap

1224 posts in 652 days


#5 posted 554 days ago

lol

-- Joel

View StumpyNubs's profile

StumpyNubs

6116 posts in 1399 days


#6 posted 554 days ago

Marty- I’m a little under 6’ and 230 lbs. So I suppose Brad and I have nothing in common.

-- It's the best woodworking show since the invention of wood... New episodes at: http://www.stumpynubs.com

View Kreegan's profile

Kreegan

1452 posts in 745 days


#7 posted 554 days ago

You’re a little under 130 kilos, mebbe…

View boxcarmarty's profile

boxcarmarty

8972 posts in 958 days


#8 posted 554 days ago

How’s your singing voice Stumpy???

-- My mind is like lighting, one brilliant flash, then its gone.....

View StumpyNubs's profile

StumpyNubs

6116 posts in 1399 days


#9 posted 554 days ago

You know that “Gangnam Style” guy?... I do the voice overs for all his hair product commercials.

So, yah… I guess you could say my voice is pretty good…

-- It's the best woodworking show since the invention of wood... New episodes at: http://www.stumpynubs.com

View Tom Regnier's profile

Tom Regnier

59 posts in 1145 days


#10 posted 554 days ago

You get both my vote and my laugh. You must have been a joy in your high school writing class!

-- Rome wasn't built in a day..... it just looks that way!

View Roger's profile

Roger

14114 posts in 1402 days


#11 posted 554 days ago

Oh I can see that bandaleer bein a hit fer sure.

-- Roger from KY. Work/Play/Travel Safe. Kentuk55@bellsouth.net

View nomercadies's profile

nomercadies

497 posts in 937 days


#12 posted 553 days ago

I’m still trying to picture, “like generals surrounding their swords”
The only thing that comes to mind is Harakiri
In which case the knee deep chips on the floor would be a Bounty … cause messes are no match for Bounty.

-- Chance Four "Not Just a Second Chance"

View StumpyNubs's profile

StumpyNubs

6116 posts in 1399 days


#13 posted 553 days ago

Nobody likes a proofreader…

-- It's the best woodworking show since the invention of wood... New episodes at: http://www.stumpynubs.com

View DamnYankee's profile

DamnYankee

3233 posts in 1160 days


#14 posted 553 days ago

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-- Shameless - Winner of two Stumpy Nubs Awards

View nomercadies's profile

nomercadies

497 posts in 937 days


#15 posted 553 days ago

Mom said that when I sent back her e-mails with suggestions for grammar and punctuation repairs.

-- Chance Four "Not Just a Second Chance"

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