Crazy Stuff Stumpy Thinks About #22: Did you hear Stumpy was in the Witness Protection Program?

  • Advertise with us
Blog entry by StumpyNubs posted 07-12-2012 07:03 PM 2640 reads 0 times favorited 23 comments Add to Favorites Watch
« Part 21: "The reason for the season"- It's almost time for the Stumpies! Part 22 of Crazy Stuff Stumpy Thinks About series Part 23: The voices in my head have been getting louder... but they have some good ideas... »

Did you ever notice that one of your armpits smells a lot worse than the other? That little bit of info will clue you on two things. First, you’re a disgusting pig who likes to sniff his sweaty armpits. And second, that the long, hot days of summer are here. Actually, they’ve been here for a while now. And woodworkers the world over are grabbing a cold one and fireing up the computer machine for some Blue Collar Woodworking goodness. Problem is, there’s been no new episode for a couple weeks. What gives?

That’s been the subject of countless emails in the Stumpy Nubs inbox. (No, not the armpit thing… the “where’s Stumpy” part.) Some have let their imaginations get the better of them, speculating about what’s happened to everybody’s favorite internet woodworker. (Nobody calls me that, but it has a nice ring to it. A lot better than the terms I usually get like “embarrassment” and “rodeo clown”...) Here are a few examples:

- He’s dead. One of his shop inventions took off a hand and he bled out.

- He ran out of good ideas. The first 20 episodes were so fantastic; you couldn’t have expected him to keep that up!

- Charles Neil got tired of everybody asking him to tell the story of how he almost lost to Stumpy in their box making contest, so he called in a favor.

- Stumpy who?

- He got vetted… hard. He may never recover.

- Roy Underhill hired him to be his sidekick on his show; like Paul Schaffer without the guitar and stupidity.

- He’s been gone? I didn’t notice.

- He’s out shopping for tight shirts with Tommy MacDonald.

- He’s working on a new podcast under the name “The Wood Lisper”.

- McNugget the shop chicken pecked his eyes out.

- Nobody cares.

- Some crazy guy is keeping him in a dried up well, threatening to wear his skin.

- He got hired full time to groom Christopher Schwarz’ beard.

- His real name was leaked and the witness protection program had to relocate him. He’s doing a new show called “Ring-around-the-collar Laundering”.

- The bad joke police hauled him away. It’s the chair for him to be sure!

The mystery has gone on long enough. Time to end all the speculation and break the silence. Time to let you all in on what’s really going on, the big news everybody has been waiting for. So, without further ado… no more delays… here’s the unvarnished truth. The real deal, the whole enchilada…

It’s freaking hot!!! Not just a “let me dab my forehead with my monogramed hanky” kind of heat. It’s a full on, swamp in my shorts heat wave! We’ve melted three cameras already, which is two more than melted last year from my stunning good looks! How are we supposed to film with heatstroke? You tell me. I’m slurring my words and one side is numb!

This is why television shows play reruns during the summertime. Can you imagine how hot Don Johnson’s white blazer would have been in Miami, even with the sleeves pushed up like he always did? If Miami Vice didn’t have to film in July, Blue Collar Woodworking shouldn’t have to either!

And seriously… “he ran out of ideas”? Give me a break. I have ideas up the wazoo! It’s uncomfortable, I can tell you that. But they will never run out. Not as long as I have a breath in my chubby little body!

Truth be told, we’re taking the opportunity this heat wave has presented to get caught up on some way overdue projects and we’ll be back to filming shortly. Actually, the cameras start rolling again tomorrow, so new episodes of Blue Collar Woodworking are only days away.

So, to all the fans out there who have suffered from Blue Collar Woodworking withdrawal these past couple weeks… have another cold one. Help in on the way!

-- Subscribe to "Stumpy Nubs Woodworking Journal"- One of the crafts' most unique publications:

23 comments so far

View crashn's profile


528 posts in 2433 days

#1 posted 07-12-2012 07:07 PM

Ahh, I can sleep better at night knowing that stumpy has once again surfaced (stinky pit and all)

-- Crashn - the only thing I make more of than sawdust is mistakes

View StumpyNubs's profile


7578 posts in 2768 days

#2 posted 07-12-2012 07:11 PM

Thanks! It’s nice to be missed!

My dog missed me today too. I learned long ago to move fast when he comes up to me and raises his leg…

-- Subscribe to "Stumpy Nubs Woodworking Journal"- One of the crafts' most unique publications:

View GrandpaLen's profile


1650 posts in 2240 days

#3 posted 07-12-2012 07:21 PM


I am thrilled that you were able to dispell all but one of those horrible rumors.

Work Safely and use Deoderant. – Grandpa Len

-- Mother Nature should be proud of what you've done with her tree. - Len ...just north of a stone's throw from the oHIo, river that is, in So. Indiana.

View DamnYankee's profile


3301 posts in 2530 days

#4 posted 07-12-2012 07:50 PM

I recommend rubbing cedar chips in your pits, dries the out and everyone loves the smell of cedar (especially the dog)

-- Shameless - Winner of two Stumpy Nubs Awards

View boxcarmarty's profile


16046 posts in 2328 days

#5 posted 07-12-2012 07:55 PM

I was just concerned about McNugget…..

-- My mind is like lighting, one brilliant flash, then its gone.....

View Alexandre's profile


1417 posts in 2159 days

#6 posted 07-12-2012 09:06 PM

Stumpy, only YOU will want to smell your armpits :P

-- My terrible signature...

View DS's profile


2894 posts in 2388 days

#7 posted 07-12-2012 09:19 PM

I thought perhaps you were taking some time off to focus on your Zebra domestication research.

Or, perhaps you were called up by the Yooper National Guard. ;-D

Regardless, I’m glad to see you’re ok and back on the job.

-- "Hard work is not defined by the difficulty of the task as much as a person's desire to perform it.", DS251

View DIYaholic's profile


19597 posts in 2643 days

#8 posted 07-12-2012 09:21 PM

So what your are really trying to say is that the next show will be dripping with comic relief. That will be a nice change of pace!!!

-- Randy-- I may not be good...but I am slow! If good things come to those who wait.... Why is procrastination a bad thing?

View Rob Drown's profile

Rob Drown

787 posts in 3800 days

#9 posted 07-12-2012 09:21 PM

Stumpie? Were you gone? Who knew?

Good to have you and McNugget Back. Sure enjoy your humor! and Wodworking

-- The expectations of life depend upon diligence; the mechanic that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools. Confucius, 经过艰苦的努力的梦想可以成真

View Swede's profile


191 posts in 2986 days

#10 posted 07-12-2012 09:26 PM

I figured you cut off all your fingers and couldnt type anymore (Just Kidding)
I tried to do that on a table saw once but only got the tips of 3 fingers.

BTY how come your picture dosent look like you?

-- Swede -- time to make some sawdust

View StumpyNubs's profile


7578 posts in 2768 days

#11 posted 07-12-2012 10:01 PM

Why doesn’t my picture look like me? I think it’s the fake nose and glasses…

-- Subscribe to "Stumpy Nubs Woodworking Journal"- One of the crafts' most unique publications:

View Roger's profile


20923 posts in 2772 days

#12 posted 07-12-2012 10:05 PM

Here’s to your fabulous return Stumps: Cuz I/you deserve it.

-- Roger from KY. Work/Play/Travel Safe. Keep your dust collector fed.

View eddie's profile


8565 posts in 2581 days

#13 posted 07-12-2012 11:15 PM

Stumpy sometime i worry about you. make sure all the glue capes or off,

-- Jesus Is Alright with me

View whitewulf's profile


454 posts in 2904 days

#14 posted 07-12-2012 11:55 PM


LIVE LONG AND…..........(wait for it)..............PERSPIRE…......

-- "ButI'mMuchBetterNow"

View longgone's profile


5688 posts in 3276 days

#15 posted 07-13-2012 01:16 AM

I think there is a cartoon show on TV called Ren & Stumpy.

showing 1 through 15 of 23 comments

Have your say...

You must be signed in to post the comments.

DISCLAIMER: Any posts on LJ are posted by individuals acting in their own right and do not necessarily reflect the views of LJ. LJ will not be held liable for the actions of any user.

Latest Projects | Latest Blog Entries | Latest Forum Topics