Did you ever notice that one of your armpits smells a lot worse than the other? That little bit of info will clue you on two things. First, you’re a disgusting pig who likes to sniff his sweaty armpits. And second, that the long, hot days of summer are here. Actually, they’ve been here for a while now. And woodworkers the world over are grabbing a cold one and fireing up the computer machine for some Blue Collar Woodworking goodness. Problem is, there’s been no new episode for a couple weeks. What gives?
That’s been the subject of countless emails in the Stumpy Nubs inbox. (No, not the armpit thing… the “where’s Stumpy” part.) Some have let their imaginations get the better of them, speculating about what’s happened to everybody’s favorite internet woodworker. (Nobody calls me that, but it has a nice ring to it. A lot better than the terms I usually get like “embarrassment” and “rodeo clown”...) Here are a few examples:
- He’s dead. One of his shop inventions took off a hand and he bled out.
- He ran out of good ideas. The first 20 episodes were so fantastic; you couldn’t have expected him to keep that up!
- Charles Neil got tired of everybody asking him to tell the story of how he almost lost to Stumpy in their box making contest, so he called in a favor.
- Stumpy who?
- He got vetted… hard. He may never recover.
- Roy Underhill hired him to be his sidekick on his show; like Paul Schaffer without the guitar and stupidity.
- He’s been gone? I didn’t notice.
- He’s out shopping for tight shirts with Tommy MacDonald.
- He’s working on a new podcast under the name “The Wood Lisper”.
- McNugget the shop chicken pecked his eyes out.
- Nobody cares.
- Some crazy guy is keeping him in a dried up well, threatening to wear his skin.
- He got hired full time to groom Christopher Schwarz’ beard.
- His real name was leaked and the witness protection program had to relocate him. He’s doing a new show called “Ring-around-the-collar Laundering”.
- The bad joke police hauled him away. It’s the chair for him to be sure!
The mystery has gone on long enough. Time to end all the speculation and break the silence. Time to let you all in on what’s really going on, the big news everybody has been waiting for. So, without further ado… no more delays… here’s the unvarnished truth. The real deal, the whole enchilada…
It’s freaking hot!!! Not just a “let me dab my forehead with my monogramed hanky” kind of heat. It’s a full on, swamp in my shorts heat wave! We’ve melted three cameras already, which is two more than melted last year from my stunning good looks! How are we supposed to film with heatstroke? You tell me. I’m slurring my words and one side is numb!
This is why television shows play reruns during the summertime. Can you imagine how hot Don Johnson’s white blazer would have been in Miami, even with the sleeves pushed up like he always did? If Miami Vice didn’t have to film in July, Blue Collar Woodworking shouldn’t have to either!
And seriously… “he ran out of ideas”? Give me a break. I have ideas up the wazoo! It’s uncomfortable, I can tell you that. But they will never run out. Not as long as I have a breath in my chubby little body!
Truth be told, we’re taking the opportunity this heat wave has presented to get caught up on some way overdue projects and we’ll be back to filming shortly. Actually, the cameras start rolling again tomorrow, so new episodes of Blue Collar Woodworking are only days away.
So, to all the fans out there who have suffered from Blue Collar Woodworking withdrawal these past couple weeks… have another cold one. Help in on the way!
-- It's the best woodworking show since the invention of wood... New episodes at: http://www.stumpynubs.com