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Deep Thoughts - Reader Beware #14: Body and soul

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Blog entry by Sandra posted 07-04-2014 11:32 AM 979 reads 0 times favorited 11 comments Add to Favorites Watch
« Part 13: Body and soul Part 14 of Deep Thoughts - Reader Beware series no next part

I’m notorious for over-thinking, overanalyzing and basically spending too much energy navel-gazing. This blog is intended to get some of it out of my head. I’ll be glib, sarcastic and flippant in my other posts. Who knows how this one will turn out. It may be a train wreck, so reader beware! If navel-gazing doesn’t hold any appeal or distraction for you, move on. If you’re allergic to estrogen, move away quickly.

My own personal rules are to not to spend more than 30 minutes on any one post. I can correct a mistake if I catch it right away, but can’t go back. If I post it, I can’t edit or delete. I tend to edit things to death and have been known to delete my posts before it’s too late.

If anything resonates with you, feel free to chime in.

0732 My first morning blog I believe. I’ve crawled back into bed with my laptop, with various parts of my body unhappy that I forced myself out from under the covers in the first place. For Eastern Canada, it’s been stinking hot and my battery feels drained. That, and my muscles are killing me. Here’s why:

In March, my left quad ‘seized up’. Or something. Not quite sure. Regardless of what it’s called, it has been changing between very sore, sore, and seriously painful. Massage therapist says it’s consistent with spasticity, which would be consistent with the MS theory, but at this point, I’ve taken a break from the medical mystery machine and I don’t really care why. It just is.

The massage therapist did give me a wake up call though. She told me to ‘use it or lose it’. If this is MS, she said it’s important to strengthen the muscles. Although it’s sore, my quad isn’t really being used much. The lightbulb went on for me and so I’ve been using some of my precious energy reserves for strength exercises and have been looking like a complete idiot doing contortions with a foam roller. So now everything is sore. The upside is that it has taken my mind off some of the other symptoms I deal with.

There are many ways to look at this whole ‘mortal coil’ or ‘mortal clay’ thing.
Christopher Reeves wrote that his wife saved his life by looking at him in his hospital bed after his accident and saying “You’re still you and I love you”. Melissa Ethridge wrote about being in the hospital during cancer treatment in excruciating pain. She said something about her realization that she was not just her body. It was something about part of her body could be taken away, and she would still be herself. They both had a point.

If we’re lucky, we all get old. In the process, our bodies change. Getting ‘sick’ just means it happens all at once, or out of the blue, or more dramatically than we had hoped. Where was I going with this? Writing before my second cup of coffee was a bad idea. Oh yeah, body and soul.

I realized yesterday that I was getting really grumpy. I had not made any sawdust in a few weeks, which I figured was part of the problem. However, true to my duty as the household Evil Queen, I blamed everyone else. Sawdust is soul food for me. So as tired as I was yesterday, I fired up my sander outside and sanded some chair parts in the pre-Arthur wind. (Thanks to Monte, I can’t think about this weather now without thinking of Dudley Moore, but I digress.)

Everything still hurts. My quad is doing the funky chicken and the evil little gnomes that zap my legs are in fine form today. But, I made SAWDUST. And when I look in the mirror and ignore the tired face looking back at me and take a look at her eyes, I’m still me.

So yes, whatever is going on with my body is important. Not important enough for me to give up coffee or become vegetarian, you understand, but important nevertheless. My soul on the other hand, and the proper feeding thereof, is essential. That’s what makes me me.

I’ve promised my LJ buddies to lay off the delete button for awhile so I won’t delete this. Besides, rambling is part of who I am also.
And coffee. And MASH re-runs. Oh and lumber hoarding (waaaaalnut) and and…
Oh yeah, and I’m employed too. So getting out of bed is a bit of a necessity.

Happy July 4th. Feel free to be yourselves.

-- No, I don't want to buy the pink hammer.



11 comments so far

View DIYaholic's profile

DIYaholic

14558 posts in 1422 days


#1 posted 07-04-2014 12:08 PM

Yep, ya is who ya is….

I’m a procrastinator….
& I use LJs as the facilitator!!!

I hope that you enjoy many more a “sawdust smorgasbord”....
The results of which look great!!!
That & they are also very good for you!!!

-- Randy-- I may not be good...but I am slow! If good things come to those who wait.... Why is procrastination a bad thing?

View CFrye's profile (online now)

CFrye

3838 posts in 587 days


#2 posted 07-04-2014 12:20 PM

Thank you Sandra for not deleting. ”It just is.” How much time and energy do we all waste, railing against things that just are? I, personally, despise change. One day I broke a finger nail and thought “This is change. Why don’t I just accept other changes like a broken finger nail and move on?” I don’t have an answer, yet. It has kinda helped with perspective, though.
Happy 4th of July to you as well and a belated Happy Canada Day!

-- God bless, Candy

View JoeinGa's profile

JoeinGa

3669 posts in 754 days


#3 posted 07-04-2014 12:29 PM

Hey, how bout this.

I read your blog and I THINK I know where you’re coming from. I cant do anything about your physical condition, so how bout I just send a bunch of prayer your way! MmmK? Done Deal!

-- Perform A Random Act Of Kindness Today ... Pay It Forward

View Don "Dances with Wood" Butler's profile

Don "Dances with Wood" Butler

1003 posts in 2142 days


#4 posted 07-04-2014 01:22 PM

I have deep sympathy for you.
At my age a lot of people would be just watching daytime tv or pushing up daisies, so I’m just happy I can get some things done.
But my body is either in rebellion or decay.
Or both.
So, some days I get very little done.
Hang in there.

Don

-- Will trade wife's yarn for tools.

View Monte Pittman's profile

Monte Pittman

15450 posts in 1085 days


#5 posted 07-04-2014 01:34 PM

I feel the same that I did in the last one. :-)

-- Mother Nature created it, I just assemble it.

View lightcs1776's profile

lightcs1776

3794 posts in 401 days


#6 posted 07-04-2014 01:47 PM

Great blog, Sandra. Bodies don’t always cooperate, do they? But you have a great attitude and a determined spirit about you.

-- Chris ** If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. — Tom Paine **

View wncguy's profile

wncguy

227 posts in 1059 days


#7 posted 07-04-2014 02:18 PM

Sandra – I usually just quickly scan the blogs & don’t open them, but yours an exception… funny, thought provoking & interesting.
Thank you for taking the time!

-- Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad

View William's profile

William

9270 posts in 1589 days


#8 posted 07-04-2014 02:53 PM

First. Thank you so much for not deleting. Now remove that button from your computer permenantly.
It seems that every time you post one of these naval gazing blog that I really want to comment on, you delete it before I get a chance.

I had to read this one more than once.
I couldn’t decide if I completely agree with what you’re saying or if I feel that you’re just a much stronger person than I.
My take on body and soul though.
I can handle my body. I can push through the pain. I can pick myself up by my boot straps and keep going.
It is afterwards though. Later after I’ve pushed too hard and I hurt so bad that there is that tiny voice who wishes it would end, somehow, that makes me want to cry, and can’t do it in front of my kids. That is my soul and it slowly feels like it’s dying sometimes. I know that sounds harsh, but I find myself more and more becoming numb to the struggle, uncaring towards the pain, and downright angry at my medicines.

I went through a rough day myself yesterday.
I woke up with a bad pain anyway so I figured I’d take a light day and do an easy job I’ve been planning on for a while.
Long story short, the easy job turned into a nightmare and I pushed myself way too far.
Yes I could have stopped and save it for another day, or left it for someone else (my kids) to do for me, but I was afraid I couldn’t get it done another day either and I am freaking sick I allowing others to do things for me that I wish to do for myself. So I pushed on. Now I sit here paying for it dearly.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but the Christopher Reeves story struck a feeling deep within me. He made a loved one feel better with the I love you bit.
You know I went through several stints in a mental ward due to very bad depression early in my medical merry go round that I’m on. If you didn’t know, you do now.
Anyway, there was this thing that used to irk me to no end.
The doctors would look at my files and say, “you have wife and kids who love you very much. You have so much to be thankful for. You shouldn’t be depressed”.
Their statements would further depress me. You @$$holes! My wife and kids were the very reason I was depressed. At the time I felt I was a failure and a burden on these very people I loved so dearly. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to be the man I knew I was. I wanted to play ball with my youngins. I wanted to have “relations” with my wife. I wanted my kids to look up to me. I could no longer do these things.
The doctor thought I should accept that I couldn’t do things and be happy about it. This discussion usually resulted in my anger and outburst at the doctors who were supposed to be helping me.
It took a while for me to find my own way and realize that I just had to do things my way. The only way I was going to stay alive and not die mentally was to push through the odds and do something, anything, but I had to be productive. Sitting in a wheel chair and “just accepting it” was not only not the answer, but what was going to put me in an early grave.

I am rambling again. I know what I’m trying to say but am having problems this morning tying all my thoughts an feelings together to make sense to anyone who doesn’t deal with these same issues, but you Sandra, I have a feeling that you know exactly what I’m saying.
Body and soul are two different things tied together forever. They are like siblings who hate each other but still have to grow and flourish under the same roof. Both need different things. Sometimes what one needs hurts the other. So some of is just have to walk that fine line between keeping one happy without destroying the other because, without both, we cannot live.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I know out paths are a bit different, but similar. I just had to let you know that you are not alone. I’ve told you before, you can PM, email or text me (just ask if you want my number. Hate phone calls but text a lot) anytime.
Please take care.
You are a lot like me. I know you’re going to overdo it. When you do though, and you look in the mirror at “you”, remember that you are going down a hard path that other people have been down to. It is not an untraveled one, but one that no one takes purely by choice.

Now I want to follow your usual lead and delete every word of this, as I have done before. Following your lead on this post though, I will not.

-- http://wddsrfinewoodworks.blogspot.com/

View DocSavage45's profile

DocSavage45

5342 posts in 1589 days


#9 posted 07-04-2014 04:21 PM

Sandra,

Good to see your reflections in your mirror. “Attitude” is what it’s all about? I recently recognized I’d lost mine. “I can, and I will!” was my saying when it got tough. Life just “is”. It is what we decide to do with it.

Keep posting and inspiring through your awareness’ of your life.

-- Cau Haus Designs, Thomas J. Tieffenbacher

View racerglen's profile

racerglen

2392 posts in 1527 days


#10 posted 07-04-2014 05:19 PM

Sandra, I know it’s not easy, life never is, I’ve had my own pains and changes in my 65+ years, from body parts gone, to the Prostate issue, to enough said.
You’ve shown before you’re strong where it counts, keep on keeping on !
And keep in touch !

-- Glen, Vernon B.C. Canada

View Sandra's profile

Sandra

4984 posts in 822 days


#11 posted 07-06-2014 01:30 AM

Body and soul are two different things tied together forever. They are like siblings who hate each other but still have to grow and flourish under the same roof. Both need different things.

Well said, william. Power is out here, thanks to Arthur .

Pardon the double post. Thanks for the comments

-- No, I don't want to buy the pink hammer.

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