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Health issues and Attitude adjustment #2: Back in hospital- need a good laugh

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Blog entry by Sandra posted 514 days ago 2810 reads 0 times favorited 18 comments Add to Favorites Watch
« Part 1: The pity party is over Part 2 of Health issues and Attitude adjustment series Part 3: Down but not out »

Back in the hospital with whatever this health issue is.

Latest report reads “findings are compatible with large and small sensory fibre dysfunction or with dysfunction of central sensory pathways….” Goodie.

Just sent hubby home to get some rest. Any good/moderately off-color jokes to pass the time?

-- No, I don't want to buy the pink hammer.



18 comments so far

View Monte Pittman's profile

Monte Pittman

10789 posts in 838 days


#1 posted 514 days ago

Sorry to hear about your health. Lousy time of year to be sick.

From Greg the box sculptor

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers, it’s fresher and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

-- Mother Nature created it, I just assemble it. - It's not ability that we often lack, but the patience to use our ability

View Sandra's profile

Sandra

3519 posts in 575 days


#2 posted 514 days ago

Good one, thanks!

-- No, I don't want to buy the pink hammer.

View murch's profile

murch

1120 posts in 1124 days


#3 posted 514 days ago

A friend of mine just started a new business. He’s making landmines that look like prayer-mats
He says prophets are going through the roof.

-- A family man has photos in his wallet where his money used to be.

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

109257 posts in 2077 days


#4 posted 514 days ago

Sorry your in the hospital Sandra I hope they get things resolved for you quickly and you can be back at home very soon.

Two guys walk into a bar…... Clunk! Clunk!

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
”’Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

Get well soon

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View BigYin's profile

BigYin

218 posts in 916 days


#5 posted 514 days ago

Marriage is like a card game. Its a gamble.
You start with two Hearts and a Diamond.
Sometimes it ends with you wanting a Club & a Spade.

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt”, You can correct them!

AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 …45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!
I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station,—on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb …. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not shooting you …. but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Get well soon

-- ... Never Apologise For Being Right ...

View Ken90712's profile

Ken90712

14500 posts in 1689 days


#6 posted 514 days ago

Sorry to here your not feeling well. I’m stuck on the recliner for 6 weeks, Knee surgrey last thurs UGH. I don’t sit around well.

This is the cleanest joke I can think of….

Why was the Turkey asked to join the Band??

Wait for it…...............

Wait for it…...............

Because it had DRUM-STICKS............................lol
Get well soon.

-- Ken, "Everyday above ground is a good day!"

View Mip's profile

Mip

294 posts in 578 days


#7 posted 514 days ago

Sorry to hear you not feeling well and being stuck in the hospital. Hope you pass whatever you have soon and get back home. I just can’t think of any jokes right now, any clean ones anyway. I’m still chuckling over the ones Monte Pittman and BigYin left behind.

View DocSavage45's profile

DocSavage45

4358 posts in 1342 days


#8 posted 514 days ago

How can you tell a wood carver with Attention Defficiet Hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)? He(she) is the one with the chainsaw!

How can you tell a Housepainter with ADHD? He(she’s) the one with two heat guns in hand waiting for the paint to dry.

How can you tell a kid in school with ADHD? “Huh?”

My wife thinks this is bad. I just made it up. Did you hear about the dyslexic guy at the ZOO who got him self mauled? He decided to go with the WOLF!

-- Cau Haus Designs, Thomas J. Tieffenbacher

View patron's profile

patron

12842 posts in 1841 days


#9 posted 514 days ago

just sent some help
to get you ou’ta there

keep you eye out for him

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

View BTimmons's profile

BTimmons

1899 posts in 985 days


#10 posted 514 days ago

Hopes for a speedy recovery.

Q: What has nine arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard.

-- Brian in Arlington, TX

View Craftsman on the lake's profile

Craftsman on the lake

2258 posts in 1938 days


#11 posted 514 days ago

All will be well.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the squirrel cross the road?
He was velcroed to the squirrel.

I know it’s not sensical but the visual hits me funny.

-- The smell of wood, coffee in the cup, the wife let's me do my thing, the lake is peaceful.

View Monte Pittman's profile

Monte Pittman

10789 posts in 838 days


#12 posted 514 days ago

Read these postings.

http://lumberjocks.com/projects/74344

-- Mother Nature created it, I just assemble it. - It's not ability that we often lack, but the patience to use our ability

View chrisstef's profile

chrisstef

9354 posts in 1506 days


#13 posted 514 days ago

BT – hilarious!

-- "there aren’t many hand tools as awe-inspiring as the #8 jointer. I mean, it just reeks of cast iron heft and hubris" - Smitty

View bladedust's profile

bladedust

167 posts in 766 days


#14 posted 514 days ago

Sorry to hear about your illness and I wish you a full and speedy recovery. In the meantime,

I guy walks into a bar and on the bar there is a little guy playing a little piano on the actual bar. Out of curiousity he asked the bartender “what’s up with this little guy playing a piano on the bar?”

The bartender points at the other end of the bar to a man wearing strange garb and a turbon with a long thin feather attached and says “see that guy? He’s a genie, he’ll grant one wish if you ask him nicely”.

Of course the guy snickers in disbelief thinking the bartender had a few too many that night.

The bartender responds “he’s really a genie and will grant you one wish”. “no, really what’s with him, is he a loon or something”?, the guy replies. The bartender looks his straight in the eye and exlaims “I’m not kidding, he really is a genie. Go over and ask him for any wish you desire and you’ll get it”.

Skeptical, but curious, he mosies over to the genie and asks for a million bucks. The genie instructs him to go outside to get his prize. As he walks out the door, there a million ducks all over the place quacking their little heads off.

The guy walks back in the bar and askes the bartender what was up, ” I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks”. to which the bartender replies “yeah he’s a little hard of hearing, I didn’t ask him for a 12 inch pianist either”.

feel better soon!

-- ok, is it cut once measure twice, cut twice measure once???? I know....I'll just keep cutting until it's long enough.

View BigYin's profile

BigYin

218 posts in 916 days


#15 posted 514 days ago

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to Know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. “Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch.”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go!
At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss Over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but You and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch Up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who Again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Bubba. “My folks are from Germany, and I’ve known the Pope a long Time.” So off they go to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba Says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these People. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll
come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed Toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and Is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on The balcony and the man next to me asked, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

-- ... Never Apologise For Being Right ...

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