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You can't fix Stupid

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Blog entry by Greg The Cajun Box Sculptor posted 1291 days ago 1614 reads 4 times favorited 14 comments Add to Favorites Watch

You can’t fix stupid!
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon..’
Caution…they walk among us!
——————————-
This one is equally unbelievable.. (No comments needed!)

NEW YORK – resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
on the popular TV show, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing ‘the absolute worst use
of lifelines ever.’ After being introduced to the show’s host
Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: ‘Which of the following is the largest?’

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not
readily know the answer. ‘Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,’ said Evans,
as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
‘I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before,
but I have no idea how large they would be.’

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

‘Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!’ exclaimed Evans…
‘Darn. I think I better phone a friend.’
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
Betsy, who is an office assistant.

‘Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!’ said Evans,
wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
‘Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.’
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
‘Betsy, are you sure?’ said Evans. ‘How sure are you? Duh, that can’t be it.’

To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s
advice. ‘I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright.
So I think I’d like to ask the audience,’ said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of
answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines,
Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
‘Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,’ said the
too-stupid-to-live Evans. ‘But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
your gut. So, let’s see… I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.’

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The next day someone stole it!

They walk among us!
——————————————————-
I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”
They walk among us!

————————————— *One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted…..
‘Look at that dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and said…’where?’

They walk among us!

—————————————————————————————

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff…...’

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————————————

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned
because the car was moving’.

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————————

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!”
I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned…

They Walk Among Us! ————————————————————————-

They Walk Among Us !
———————————————-
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me,
‘Has your plane arrived yet?’...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
———————————————————————— While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us! And last, but not least:
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS,TRUE STORY:

Dumb as a box of Rocks

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ she asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’

‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..’

‘What sort of question?’ asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’‘

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote and their vote equals ours and they also reproduce!

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding… Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace… Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can’t fix stupid.

-- Every step of each project is considered my masterpiece because I want the finished product to reflect the quality of my work.



14 comments so far

View RonPeters's profile

RonPeters

708 posts in 1475 days


#1 posted 1291 days ago

TGIF! A Joke thread!!!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

——-

In Australia the garbage bins have wheels and are referred to as “wheelie bins”.
On garbage day my neighbours bin wasn’t out so the the “Garbo” yelled over the fence at him “Where’s yer bin”?
“I bin away” he answered.
“No—where’s yer wheelie-bin” the garbage man said.
“Oh!” said the neighbour “I’ve really bin in prison but I tell everybody I’ve bin on holiday in New Zealand.
———-

Marriage Humor

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
———-

Stress Reliever

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘We’ll that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
———
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile..
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’

‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’

———

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’

———

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’…
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’ the wife apologized and went on with the housework…

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied… ‘Your horse phoned’

———

An elderly farmer received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. “Tell me about your staff,” he ordered.

“Well,” said the farmer, “there’s the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week and a bottle of Scotch and occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

“That’s who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”

“That’s me!” said the farmer.

———-

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office Arithmetic

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping Math

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

General Equations & Statistics

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Longevity

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Propensity To Change

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Discussion Technique

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

How To Stop People From Bugging You About Getting Married

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

———

A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
He turns to her and says, “What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating,” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I’m pregnant!” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”

“That’s great,” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replies.

“What a coincidence,” she said.

———-

A man and his friend were hunting deer in a rural area near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.”

The hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”

———

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman there and fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be “no surprises” later that would destroy their love.

“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Ed said to his lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.”

“Well, if we’re being honest with each other, here goes,” she replied. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

———

A Fishing Tale…

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Madam, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It’s a good all around combination, and it’s actually on sale this week for $44.”

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,” he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she’s really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $58.50 please.” The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58..50?” “The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50.”

———

I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents, Liberal Democrats, were standing there.

So I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people…”

Her parents beamed.

“Wow…what a worthy goal,” I told her. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

-- “Once more unto the breach, dear friends...” Henry V - Act III, Scene I

View patron's profile

patron

12952 posts in 1936 days


#2 posted 1291 days ago

good guys

thanks for the laughs

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

View lilredweldingrod's profile

lilredweldingrod

2495 posts in 1702 days


#3 posted 1290 days ago

Yep, they walk among us, they vote, they breed, they die and leave us the mess. Thanks for the laughs.

View Craftsman on the lake's profile

Craftsman on the lake

2362 posts in 2032 days


#4 posted 1290 days ago

On the Daily Show the other day they were showing a senate panel on global warming. They were interviewing a geologist. The questioning prompted the geologist to answer about how Antarctica was once at the equator and that’s why we find tropical fossils in the soil there. The Senator said “Do you actually want us to believe that the continents were drifting around on the earth at one time?”

They are among us.

-- The smell of wood, coffee in the cup, the wife let's me do my thing, the lake is peaceful.

View chrisstef's profile

chrisstef

10357 posts in 1601 days


#5 posted 1290 days ago

Craftsman that is priceless … just floatin around huh how could that be ..

-- "there aren’t many hand tools as awe-inspiring as the #8 jointer. I mean, it just reeks of cast iron heft and hubris" - Smitty

View CampD's profile

CampD

1187 posts in 2081 days


#6 posted 1290 days ago

Great!! thanks for the laugh with coffee.

-- Doug...

View brianinpa's profile

brianinpa

1809 posts in 2318 days


#7 posted 1290 days ago

“Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of
answer C, ‘The Moon.’”

The really sad part is that 2% of the audience agreed with her, so there was more than just one person dumb enough to think an elephant is larger than the moon.

-- Brian, Lebanon PA, If you aren’t having fun doing it, find something else to do.

View Dennisgrosen's profile

Dennisgrosen

10850 posts in 1710 days


#8 posted 1290 days ago

ha ha ha ha ….LOL
thank´s for the laugh´s
they are all good
but that one with ” are your plane arived ” that one cracked me …LOL

take care
Dennis

View Craftsman on the lake's profile

Craftsman on the lake

2362 posts in 2032 days


#9 posted 1290 days ago

True story,

In college, a lifetime ago I briefly had a friend of an exchange student from England. I told her we should have breakfast together. She said “Would you come over and knock me up in the morning?”. Needless to say everyone took pause for a second.

For those who don’t know, that’s a common term for ‘wake me up’ in England. I never forgot that one.

-- The smell of wood, coffee in the cup, the wife let's me do my thing, the lake is peaceful.

View Div's profile

Div

1653 posts in 1535 days


#10 posted 1290 days ago

Someone on LJ’s, I forgot who, said: ” The two most common elements in the Universe is Hydrogen and Stupidity.” Never a truer word spoken!

-- Div @ the bottom end of Africa. "A woodworker's sharpest tool should be his mind."

View jim C's profile

jim C

1452 posts in 1693 days


#11 posted 1290 days ago

This is why we need the coffee lounge back !
Martin, feel the love.

Thanks

-- When I was a boy, I was told "anyone can be President", now I'm beginning to believe it!

View EEngineer's profile

EEngineer

885 posts in 2208 days


#12 posted 1289 days ago

Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain.
Friedrich Schiller

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

-- "Find out what you cannot do and then go do it!"

View helluvawreck's profile

helluvawreck

15372 posts in 1461 days


#13 posted 1289 days ago

Two disgruntled employees who had worked at the plant next to ours were fired. They were living with each other. About a week later they broke into the plant one night and poured kerosene all over the plant and attempted to light it but were unable to start the fire. Then they rounded up as many tools as they could carry in the two large bags that they carried and dragged them out and hid the bags in a large vacant field next to the plant. Several days later the police arrested the couple at the house they were living in and took them down to the police station for questioning. They were placed in separate rooms where they couldn’t communicate with each other. Both were told that their finger prints had been found all over the place, including on the tools. The man remained silent during the whole questioning. However, the woman was adamant that she was innocent of all wrong doing and said “Well, I know for a fact that you didn’t find my fingerprints anywhere because I was wearing gloves the whole time that I was in there.” She made this brilliant statement more than a number of times. :)

-- If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. Henry David Thoreau

View rivergirl's profile

rivergirl

3198 posts in 1433 days


#14 posted 1289 days ago

Lovely Charles. Absolutely priceless.

-- Homer : "Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain."

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