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Extremely Average #14: Gnashing Teeth

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Blog entry by Ecocandle posted 01-16-2010 01:52 AM 946 reads 0 times favorited 11 comments Add to Favorites Watch
« Part 13: Dumb Mistake Part 14 of Extremely Average series Part 15: I have just two questions »

Today I drove across Martelle, to the office of post, where I again stared into a cubbyhole filled with emptiness. No DVDs and books for me, in the ‘Soup Nazi’ voice, ran through my head. After coming home, through rush hour traffic, I sat in my comfy green computer chair, defeated. I know from my days of working in the marketing department at GEICO that the travel time for a piece of mail, from anywhere city, in the continental U.S., to the hamlet of someplace, takes no longer than 6 business days. Iowa sits smack dab in the middle of all the anywheres and someplaces in the country, so I figured 3. Today is day 6 and unbeknownst to The Taunton Press; they hang precariously on the precipice of a cliff, overlooking a valley filled with a pack of angry blog.

The thing about a pack of wild blog, with their teeth gnashing while they run amok, is that they can’t be controlled. An angry blog will, given a chance, eat it weight in bad publicity within minutes. And don’t even get me started about their breeding. They make rabbits look like vestal virgins. If you find an angry blog, after a meal of 1000 words of vitriol and spite, it will be very amorous towards others of its ilk. It will seek out other blogs to mate with. Twitter is an incredible breeding ground for these creatures. It seems that everyone in the world is trying to fix these little fuzzy and ravenous creatures up, just to watch them multiply. And don’t even try to herd them; they are as likely to be driven in a single direction as a gaggle of cats. (I realize that it is geese that are a gaggle, but I am exercising my legal right to poetic license.)

Glactic Warrior

Now some of you may not have heard of these beasts. Perhaps you know of them by their Latin name, Blogus Rantopotamus? Whether you have heard of them or not, it is wise to know they are out there. To truly understand the Blogus Rantopotamus, one must know of their origin. They are a fairly new breed of animal, though some would call them a plague or a virus. The story of their origins is unclear and you may well find many different version of how they came to be. This is my favorite.

Doritaenopsis Candy Rose

In a warehouse in Poughkeepsie NY, an aging accountant sat at his desk. He had studied cost accounting in school and married his high school sweetheart, who attended Vassar. She left him after three years, for a woman she met at a poetry slam, and since that day, he has been bitter and angry. This is important because on this day, about seven and a half years ago, a new shipping clerk was preparing a box of miniature replica blunder busses for shipping. The accountant screamed, “What are you doing?!” at the young man, a recent college graduate in computer science, who hadn’t really bothered to find a real job yet. I was getting this order ready to go out. “When did they order it?”, “The order just came in on from the website (www.blunderbusRus.com), if I hurry I can get it out tonight.” The accountant screamed louder, “Did they pay for express shipping and handling?!”, “No, but I am not sending it express, I am sending it through the regular mail.” The clerk said sheepishly. “Where do they live?!”, the accountant bellowed, though he knew the answer. “They live in New Jersey. If it goes out tonight, they will get it tomorrow or the next day.” He responded, trying to understand why this was a big deal. “We don’t want the customer to get them quickly, because if we do that, then nobody will pay for express shipping and handling! Are you an idiot?” said the accountant.

Bromeliad

The clerk had studied TOC (Theory of Constraints) in college and knew that the totally variable costs were fixed and that his reasoning was wrong. He knew that in the long run a happy customer was better than earning an extra 2 dollars by making them think they needed express. But he also knew that if he refused to do as the accountant said, he might have to start looking for a real job, and he didn’t want to do that before the summer was over. So he went home and later that night, in his mother’s basement, next to the washer and dryer, he forwent World of War Craft and anonymously unleashed the first beast on the world. Unfortunately for the accountant, the blog reproduced through mitosis and the hungry pack of blogs eventually found him and ate his face off.

Tune in tomorrow when the blog either be an angry rant at Taunton Press or a lengthy description of my own foibles…and now back to your regularly scheduled programming…
…so in conclusion, I would like to say, “I love woodworking.”

[Editors Note: An angry Blogus Rantopotamus has yet to be photographed. So we went with flowers.]

-- Brian Meeks, http://extremelyaverage.com



11 comments so far

View Jimthecarver's profile

Jimthecarver

1122 posts in 2443 days


#1 posted 01-16-2010 03:06 AM

I will say I do enjoy reading your blogs. They make me smile and capture my thoughts.
Well written.

-- Can't never could do anything, to try is to advance.

View Chuck 's profile

Chuck

88 posts in 1858 days


#2 posted 01-16-2010 03:35 AM

That story is completely made-up – who would forgo World of War Craft?

-- Chuck, Washington D.C.

View gizmodyne's profile

gizmodyne

1763 posts in 2748 days


#3 posted 01-16-2010 03:49 AM

I ordered something on Jan. 1. They finally shipped it Jan. 11. It arrived here in California Jan. 15. I think they let the hand tools guys handle shipping.

-- -John "Do I have to keep typing a smiley? Just assume it's a joke." www.flickr.com/photos/gizmodyne

View rtb's profile

rtb

1099 posts in 2371 days


#4 posted 01-16-2010 07:11 AM

I know that I have waited as long as 6 months for “the check thats in the mail”

-- RTB. stray animals are just looking for love

View Ecocandle's profile

Ecocandle

1013 posts in 1724 days


#5 posted 01-16-2010 07:59 AM

rtb,

I think the problem is that they don’t think there is anything you can do…being a cat and all. :-)

Brian

-- Brian Meeks, http://extremelyaverage.com

View Rob Drown's profile

Rob Drown

724 posts in 2491 days


#6 posted 01-16-2010 09:19 AM

You guys are really funny.

-- The expectations of life depend upon diligence; the mechanic that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools. Confucius, 经过艰苦的努力的梦想可以成真

View stefang's profile

stefang

13059 posts in 1992 days


#7 posted 01-16-2010 11:58 AM

I want it, and I want it NOW! Now what was it I wanted? Oh well, can’t remember but at least I will save some money. I’m glad David that you are filling the blogasphere with your amusing observations. We all need a laugh after our last failed projects.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View David Craig's profile

David Craig

2135 posts in 1767 days


#8 posted 01-16-2010 02:28 PM

How long ago did this happen? I am beginning to suspect that it was the blogs that was haunting the Winchester house. Someone had to wait a year for their rifle because they could only afford pony express?

David

-- There is little that is simple when it comes to making a simple box.

View SPalm's profile (online now)

SPalm

4820 posts in 2540 days


#9 posted 01-16-2010 03:47 PM

Weird, my first wife ran off with some chick from Vassar too.
Small world.

-- -- I'm no rocket surgeon

View MsDebbieP's profile

MsDebbieP

18615 posts in 2819 days


#10 posted 01-17-2010 02:04 PM

great blog
fantastic photos!
thank you :)

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (https://www.facebook.com/DebbiePribeleENJOConsultant)

View mtkate's profile

mtkate

2049 posts in 1983 days


#11 posted 01-17-2010 07:16 PM

Is someone taunted by Taunton?

Remember what Han Solo said about Tauntons – “And I thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE!”

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