You know you are NOT a lumberjock when .....

...You buy plastic push sticks?

-- We must guard our enthusiasm as we would our life - James Krenov

#2 You buy your router bits because you like the color.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

#3 You don’t like the taste of sawdust.

#4 You do not need any more tools

-- We must guard our enthusiasm as we would our life - James Krenov

#5 You have too many clamps.

-- "Bordnerizing" perfectly good lumber for over a decade.

#6 You buy something you could’ve made.

-- Dorje (pronounced "door-jay"), Seattle, WA

#7 Your wife buys a shelf at WalMart

-- Thos. Angle

Damn Tom, that one was scarry!

-- by Lee A. Jesberger http://www.prowoodworkingtips.com http://www.ezee-feed.com

Along those same lines

#8 your wife buys a wood cutting board at Ikea.

-- We must guard our enthusiasm as we would our life - James Krenov

#9 You use a chisel and hammer to cut the head off a stubborn nail

-- Dekker - http://www.WoodworkDetails.com/Blog/MNagy/

#10 You cut as firewood and burn that old cherry tree that fell in the back yard during a big storm last winter. Burl is so darn hard to split….

-- We must guard our enthusiasm as we would our life - James Krenov

#11 Your wife hires a carpenter.

#12 Your wife runs off with a carpenter.

#13 The carpenter is female.

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

.. and you aren’t jealous

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

Dekker’s #9 just made me cringe. And Deb’s reply to 11-13 is Hi-larious.

-- "Bordnerizing" perfectly good lumber for over a decade.

My #9 is based on my experience… Namely memories of abusing my dad’s chisel when I was a kid. That same chisel is the same one I still use today, and it STILL needs to be ground down to get rid of the “missing” chip from the blade… it’s sharp enough to use, but I have to be careful to not leave marks behind…

-- Dekker - http://www.WoodworkDetails.com/Blog/MNagy/

#14 She took half of your tools because her new carpenter girlfriend has none.

#15 You recently learn that a “dovetail” is not nessessarily part of a bird.

#16 The carpenter girlfriend wants you to teach her how to cut dovetails.

(Doug, I still own an old Stanley wood chisel that is chewed beyond repair from when my teenage son used it to cut off a rusty bolt. He was upset that Stanley could make such inferior chisels!)

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

#14 Given the choice between sex and a new power tool. you choose sex.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

#17 A fence is something that goes around your property.

#18 A sled is used to go down hill.

#19 A dado is the name of some freaky looking cartoon mad scientist avatar.

-- Stevethepeeve -- I'm no rocket surgeon

#20 Her new carpenter girlfriend is not a girl at all. ;p

#21 He/she likes you better.

That’s DADOO! lol!

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

#22 You cut off one of your fingers and you actually stop to go to the hospital instead of finishing what you were working on.

-- JP, Shelbyville, KY

#23 You think all curved woodwork you see was undoubtedly accomplished with the use of steam.

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

Miles, only LumberJocks know about steam… Non LJs think curved lumber grows on trees and is harvested curved..

-- Dekker - http://www.WoodworkDetails.com/Blog/MNagy/

#24 You watch one of those home improvement shows and actually admire a piece of “furniture” the carpenter builds out of butt jointed, brad nailed, latex painted MDF

-- David, South Windsor, CT "I love the smell of sawdust in the morning"

#24.. you have no idea what the fuss is all about regarding the chisels and nails. Isn’t that what chisels are for?

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

25) Your wife complains that you spend more time in the shop than with her, and you bother to disagree with her.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

#26 You think all wood with a dark stain is Cherry. (My girlfriend)

-- JP, Shelbyville, KY

I was going to reply, but I’m going to have to cancel my registration here at Lumberjocks. My wife bought a shelf at Walmart. Thanks a lot Tom! You said you wouldn’t tell anyone! And Wayne…thanks for hammering it home. Our kitchen has a long grain wood cutting board from some box store. I’m ashamed. Oh the humanity!

#27 You know you’re not a lumberjock when you think veneer is getting your teeth bonded.

-- You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. (Plato)

You people lost me after #3, besides the shelf was unfinished and after I painted it and three coats of shellack, I finally found a reason to use some of those 400 odd pieces of steel wool I bought after watching Norm.

-- Ron Central, CA

#28 You think a router is part of your computer.

-- JP, Shelbyville, KY

#29 Your entire collection of clamps weighs less than you do.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

#30 You wax your car more often than your table saw.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

#31 You think planes are for flying.

-- JP, Shelbyville, KY

#32 You think bacon frying smells better than fresh sawdust.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

#33 You have no idea what a board foot is.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

#34 You think practicing your joint-making skills involves involves substances other than wood.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

#35 You can go to a friends house and admire their new kitchen cabinets without opening a drawer to see if it is dovetailed.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

#36 You think Ikea kitchens are the epitomy of good, solid construction

-- Dekker - http://www.WoodworkDetails.com/Blog/MNagy/

#37 You think a biscuit joiner is some kind of cooking utensil.

-- JP, Shelbyville, KY

#38 You think Freud was some psychologist or something.

-- JP, Shelbyville, KY

or #39 You think a bored foot is why you get that tingling loss of feeling in your distal lower extremities.

-- "Bordnerizing" perfectly good lumber for over a decade.

#35 You think a bench dog is a like a lap dog only bigger.

-- We must guard our enthusiasm as we would our life - James Krenov

#36 and Dog holes are something you find in the back yard.

-- We must guard our enthusiasm as we would our life - James Krenov

You are a lumberjock if your internet connection is slower than your mind or your typing skills.

-- "Bordnerizing" perfectly good lumber for over a decade.

#41 You don’t have the slighest clue why some guy in a garage charges more for a piece a furniture than “Rooms to Go”

-- Paul, Texas

#42 You think board foot is some sort of restless leg syndrome variant.

-- You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. (Plato)

#42 You only need one router.

-- "Bordnerizing" perfectly good lumber for over a decade.

And it is attached to a modem….

-- We must guard our enthusiasm as we would our life - James Krenov

#43 You’d rather buy it at Ikea than build it.

#44 You think a finish applied with a mop and bucket looks great as long as its really shiny.

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

#45. You think a bit is a unit of measurement within computer memory

-- --==[ Pappy ]==--

#46. Your idea of precision joinery is when you hammer in all the brads in your fancy MDF furniture without once hitting your thumb

-- --==[ Pappy ]==--

#47. Your wife waits for you to come inside from the shop before going to sleep…

-- --==[ Pappy ]==--

#48. Your daughter owns a dollhouse made out of plastic

-- --==[ Pappy ]==--

You think your vinyl shrinkwrapped curio cabinet will be an heirloom for the kids one day.

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

#50. You are able to locate more than 10 pencils in your shop at any one time

#51. You lay your cut-marks in indelible ink (this one might also identify a true master craftsman, but I prefer to think they dont mark the cuts at all)

#52. Your mother still has a clock sitting on her mantle made out of popsicle sticks from when you were in Cub Scouts

-- --==[ Pappy ]==--

You passed on a friend giving you original Frank Lloyd Wright coffee and end tables because the wife said it would clash with the new Ikea sofas.

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

#53. You spend more time blogging about woodworking than actual time working in the shop. (I think this might be me lately, I’d better be careful… I may be depolarizing my Jock status. If only my boss knew what I was doing on the work computer…)

• Exception: when the computer IS in the woodshop.

-- Check out my new website! http://www.blakeweberwoodworking.com

Blake, I work at a large corporation, and they have filtered/restricted access to large chunks of the Internet, namely all social networking sites… It is inevitable, but soon I think they will catch on and I will go silent on this site due to blockage..

On the up-side, I’d get more work done.

On the down side, I won’t have so much inspiration, humour, and comeraderie as I do here at LJ!

-- Dekker - http://www.WoodworkDetails.com/Blog/MNagy/

Which of course brings us to #54…

You may NOT be a Lumberjock if you spend more time being productive while you’re at work than you do browsing Lumberjocks while you’re at work.

-- JP, Shelbyville, KY

#55 You buy your glue in 3 oz bottles so it won’t all go bad before it is used up.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

#56 If your boss has never caught you commenting on a Lumberjock thread when you should be working

-- David, South Windsor, CT "I love the smell of sawdust in the morning"

#57 The 1/4” of dust on your tools is not sawdust!

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

i’m sitting here in class and i’ve already had to seriously stifle some gut laughs. ya’ll are hilarious! #58 You walk through any big box store, lumber section, and consider it the epitome of nice wood stock.

-- "Who but a fool would discard seeminly useless parts? To keep every cog and wheel is the first precaution of intelligent engineering" -- Aldo Leopold

#59 You are familiar with the term “woodstock” only in reference to some rock concert that happened a long time ago.

-- "Who but a fool would discard seeminly useless parts? To keep every cog and wheel is the first precaution of intelligent engineering" -- Aldo Leopold

#60 You are mortified that someone would paint woodwork made of Poplar cause the wood is soooo purtyyy.

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

#61

you use a Dōzuki (胴付鋸) saw to chop down tall weeds in the backyard because it is lighter and more fun then the machete

my son actually did this when he was about 13 ... broke off several teeth on the fence. ( he is 23 now)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

#62 Your wife, you know the one who earlier ran off with a carpenter? Well, she’s returned to take the rest of your tools because you don’t use them anyhow.

#63 You didn’t know you had any tools.

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

#64 All of your butter knives have bent tips because, “who needs a screwdriver anyhow?”

-- "Who but a fool would discard seeminly useless parts? To keep every cog and wheel is the first precaution of intelligent engineering" -- Aldo Leopold

If you’ve ever used a left handed screw driver or right handed hammer. mike

-- Mike. mwurm13@yahoo.com

oh yes.. using a kitchen knife to cut the edge of a door so it fits better and using the “good” scissors for the same purpose and as the screwdriver… LEAVE THE GOOD SCISSORS ALONE!!!!

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

I couldn’t even get past #1. The pastic push stick was a gift from my mother!!!!!!!! ;)

-- I've cut that board three times and it's still too short!

gifts don’t count.

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

LOL! – I needed to read this blog this morning! – I had someone that they thought my walnut Thorsen table would look good if it was painted white! (must resist urge to kill….)

-- The Gnarly Wood Shoppe

So how does it look White Schroeder?

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

When shopping for a new home You search for the perfect garage…... to park your cars in!

-- Peggy

#67 When asked “what is half of two thirds” you reply:

A) I was never good at fractions.

B) I hate math.

C) Two sixths.

Some people really miss the boat. Answer C is from the book smart, street stupid crowd.

#68 You don’t know what Bordnerizing is. (hint: it is like Martinizing, only different)

Steve

-- Stevethepeeve -- I'm no rocket surgeon

What a great way to wake up, Steve! Morning all!
Its like Martinizing only shorter and smaller than planned.

-- "Bordnerizing" perfectly good lumber for over a decade.

###69

you know you are NOT a lumberjock when …. you can walk in to Sears, Lowes and Home Depot and not even glance into the tool department

-- Peggy

This is just too good to ignore…......BUMP!

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

THis is so great, thanks for the bump.

#70 You know you are not a lumberjock when you (and your spouse) think it’s perfectly fine, or preferred to paint wood furniture or trim.

-- I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso -- http://blanchardcreative.etsy.com -- http://snbcreative.wordpress.com/

#71 You think the replacement handles you bought for your metal plane thing must be cherry. They are bright red, after all.
Bump.

-- "Bordnerizing" perfectly good lumber for over a decade.

#72 You asked for something other than tools for Christmas.

-- JP, Shelbyville, KY

haha good one

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

#73 you know you are NOT a lumberjock when none of your t-shirts have glue or wood dye stains

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Phew. I’m so safely an LJ on this one.

-- "Bordnerizing" perfectly good lumber for over a decade.

#74 you can see your basement/garage floor – for there isn’t a nice carpet of sawdust providing safe haven for the mice, or keeping your shoes dry when the occasional bit of moisture seeps in.

-- I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso -- http://blanchardcreative.etsy.com -- http://snbcreative.wordpress.com/

But Scott, I just swept. That’s just not fair. Besides, you left us photographic evidence of your shiney floors back on your home page! There’s even a movie! Hmmmmm. Here in NY we call that “Open mouth, insert foot”! LOL!

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

#75. You do not appraise all discards at your building’s dumpster as potential raw material. #76. You can resist making obvious repairs even to particle board furniture. #77. Two-thirds of your “living room” is not filled with rescued furniture, experimental pieces you made “just to see what it would look like,” or 873 board feet of stock being acclimated to the humidity. #77a. You have never stubbed your toe or tripped on stock on your living room floor. #78. You have never pointed out, politely or otherwise, that damp sawdust was used to sweep carpets before the invention of the vacuum cleaner. #79. You think you only build bookcases when you need something to hold books. #80. A member of the opposite sex reminds you to “wear protection” on your date, and you don’t feel panic at leaving your goggles, gloves, and earmuffs at home.

-- Hibernicvs

Oh, and

#81. You have never used a shovel to clean the living room.

-- Hibernicvs

If you’ve never built a bird house out of woods so exotic that birds wont go near it.

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

When you tell someone who offers you serviceable reclaimed Utile, that you don’t have room for it.

-- Working fast helps you to arrive at your mistakes in spectacular fashion. (Me 2009!)

When you son, at 13 survives to 23 after using and breaking your Dozuki saw, you might not be a lumberjock

-- ShawnH "A little knowledge is a tool for disaster." Chinese porverb

Chisel is French for bolt remover, isn’t it?

-- ShawnH "A little knowledge is a tool for disaster." Chinese porverb

Le Chisel is a multi-purposed tool that comes in handy for lots of “thingy removal” tasks

(ouch re: dozuki saw)

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

If you’ve never broken a 20 year old hammer and took it back to Sears to demand a new one.

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

Brad Nailer, who’s that? have we met?
Rabbit, they are so soft and cute.
PLaner, no I think I want more detail not planer.
Steel wool must be awfully hard to shave off the sheep.
Why would you need a saw to cut the tails off those cute little birds?
Mortise and tenon, that is your lawyer right? No your accountants.
I can see it’s Greene you only have to tell me once.

-- ShawnH "A little knowledge is a tool for disaster." Chinese porverb

Why are you always so negative, she doesn’t lack anything.

-- ShawnH "A little knowledge is a tool for disaster." Chinese porverb

#86. (Or thereabouts) You watch “Numb3rs” and don’t try to see what Judd Hirsch is sitting on, or don’t wonder aloud why they waste film on all those car chases and shoot ‘em ups when they’ve got a perfectly good craftsman house and furniture to fill the time.

-- Hibernicvs

Pappy said: ”#48. Your daughter owns a dollhouse made out of plastic”

Jeff: Ouch, my Mother-in-Law has a Toys-R-Us piece of crap dollhouse ready to be put under a tree this December while I only have a plan in the shop.. I can’t quite figure out how to get out of that one and stay married. And yes, I’d like to keep the Mrs.

-- Jeff, South Carolina

#87. Your mother/sister/wife/whatever has never said, “Uh, I think the girls have enough doll houses/tea party tables and chairs/cedar chests/book cases/cutting boards/picture frames/bedsteads/life-size working models of the H.M.S. Victory … why don’t you just give them each a savings bond?”

-- Hibernicvs

#88

you are NOT a lumber jack if you never get dust on your shoes

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

#89 You buy your furniture at Ikea and you assume it will last until you retire and downsize your living quarters.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

Look again Dadoo… there aint nothin ever shiny about my shop floors, except after a heavy rain.

-- I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso -- http://blanchardcreative.etsy.com -- http://snbcreative.wordpress.com/

#90 Your wife says “you don’t need to build another …” and you agree.

#91 my son needs a bed and I buy one from Walmart

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

#92 You think Lumberjocks is a Monte Python skit (had to do it… can’t believe we are to 92 and it was not mentioned

-- Drew, Pleasant Grove, Utah

((humming)) I’m a lumberjock and I’m OK… I sleep all night and I work all day….

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

#93. You don’t rend your garments and fill your ears with beeswax a la Ulysses (or gouge your eyes out in imitation of Oedipus) when somebody brings up the same $#@% song you’d have had in your head since joining had you been a lumberjock.

Damn all ear-worms.

Curse you, Red Baron.

-- Hibernicvs

And please … no comments about somebody being so poor they rent their garments.

-- Hibernicvs

We could do the “Yo mama’s such a lumberjock, she….” series. hehe

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

If you don’t have at least 2 splinters in your hands at any one time that need digging out.

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

#95- you go to a crafts show and BUY something made of wood- instead of saying “I could make that”. #96- you go into a new friend’s home and don’t look for the unique piece of furniture that may be hand made- and if you do see one, you are too polite to ask about it. #97- A new neighbor moves in and has all the power tools ever made- and you don’t go over to compare notes.
Actually if you do any of these things you are not only not a true lumberjock, but probably dead.
I busted a gut reading this- keep up the good work.

-- "So much wood. . .so little time!" www.woodworks-by-donna.com

#98

You know you are NOT a true lumberjock if you have never operated power equipment in your underwear

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

sick joke

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

((humming))

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

You know your not a lumberjock if you think a Dadoo is something you and your wife are going on.

-- Davesfunwoodworking

#99 you know you are not a lumber jock …

if you use your cast iron table saw top to tear down your old vw bus engine …

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

#100

you know you are NOT a lumberjock

.......... if you think a lumberjock is a article of clothing worn when cutting trees

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

#101 – You are not a Lumberjock if you think that the powertools at Walmart are the ones “professionals” use.

-- Greg - Charles Town, WV

#102 You’re not a LumberJock if you ever look around the shop and say, “I’ve got way to much space in this shop. I need something smaller!”

-- "Give me your poor tools, your tired steel, your huddled masses of rust." Yep, I ripped off the Statue of Liberty. That's how I roll!

#103 – you are not a lumberjock if you have ever used a miter gage as a sledge hammer.

I know I never have !

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

#104

you are not a real lumberjock until you post a woodworking project. no photo, no posting, never happened !

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

#105 – You are not a lumberjock if

You really believe you can stain pine to look like _(fill in your hardwood of choice).

you are not a lumberjock if-

#106. your woodworker friend tells you that he laminated the woods for the cutting boards and you ask how they fitted through the laminater

-- BRODY. NSW AUSTRALIA -arguments with turnings are rarely productive-

107 If you don’t have splinters in all your socks that don’t even come out in the wash.

-- Dustygirl..Hastings,Ontario.. How much wood can 1 gal chuck if 1 gal can't cut wood?

108 you know you are not a true LUMBERJOCK if you only use plastic push sticks

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

109 …. you know you are not a real LUMBERJOCK if you do not like woodworking … mind blank …

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

110… Your’re not a Lumberjock if you did not understand any of this blog.

-- Drink once, cut twice. New website up.... lazylarrywoodworks.com.au

111 – You go to the Tool show just to see the pretty girls in bikini’s.

112 – You hear someone talking about bench dogs and you ask what breed is that?

113 – Someone says they just finished laminating a bowl and you figure thats some code talk for smoking pot.

-- Woodworking.....My small slice of heaven!

Oh…and my all time favorite…

114 – You spend your money on a vacation instead of the shiny new table saw you read a review about in LJ.

-- Woodworking.....My small slice of heaven!

you have a two car garage and the car has never been inside it.

-- Bruce

When you comment after 131 other comments :-))

-- Jim from Heirloom Woodshop Southern Oregon

When your first thought on a saturday AM is NOT to go downstairs and release the clamps so you can get a leg up on planing down the boards your are putting together for your next project…